If Only I Was Worth Something
by TPowOMi
Summary: Clyde has very little respect for himself, and yet he starts to delve into starting relationships with those around him. Slash. Clyde/Tweek. Clyde's PoV
1. Chapter 1

**Clyde's PoV**

-----

Why do I feel so pathetic? Oh yeah, because I'm not really attractive and I don't do anything special. Damn it. See what I mean? I do this several times a day. I wonder why I should feel this way until I again remind myself of my shortcomings. I guess it's really easy to forget the things you don't want to remember. But I'm always honest with myself. I'm honest about my paralyzing fear whenever a pretty girl is nearby, I'm honest about how I don't offer anything to the student body...and crazily enough I'm able to admit that I have a crush on my friend, Craig Nommel.

The crush part is something I'm able to keep hidden rather well. Girls are attractive yes, and when the conversation leans that way I can say who I think is hot. But more and more of my self-loathing comes from the fact that now everyone's older, and more hormone driven, they tend to judge you much more harshly. Back when we were younger it didn't matter. You didn't really think about how much of a loser someone was or how ugly they were, except for Cartman because he was really porky. I was thin enough not to be noticed much and my weight rarely bothered me.

But now it's nothing short of crippling, that and my below-average looks. No, I'm not fishing for compliments. You can just tell by the way the girls look at you, especially when you hang out with someone like Craig all the time. Just the way they talk and flirt with him is evidence enough. He pulls it off so easily, and he has things to talk about. He'll talk about how basketball is going or how crazy the party was that he went to. I don't do parties; I know I'd make an ass out of myself. If I got drunk in public I'd probably break down into tears or something due to self-pity, and God knows I don't need a stain like _that_ on my record, and the only fail-safe way to keep that record clean around girls for me is to keep my mouth shut. That way you can't appear stupid and then they won't judge you.

As for Craig...he's the only person I know who understands me...to a certain degree. I don't have to worry about what I say around him, we've known each other long enough that he accepts my weird sense of humor. We like a lot of the same things, except for basketball and as of late a sheer lust for women. For the most part Craig is my connection to the real world, otherwise, I'd be a nobody. It's like he's helping to pull me up the ladder, something that seems beneath him, and yet still he's doing it. How can you not at least like a guy like that?

But lately he's been bragging to me, Token, and Tweek about his hot dates with the loose girl, Heidi. From what I've heard her stifling father, who despises boys, has caused her to rebel and now she's known to be an easy target for guys "affections." She says affections...we know she's a target for horny guys who want to lose their virginity, or who are looking for another fuck. That's how Craig talks all the time. He has quite a reputation for being the smooth talkin' bad boy around high-school, and he's good enough on the court that he warrants respect from the students. We're all juniors, but there's nothing "junior" about Craig's attitude. He could almost be a biker or something. But I like him because, in spite of all that, he jokes around and hangs out with me. Not only that, he's good looking. His dark eyes always have a mischievous glint to them. His frame is slender but toned, unlike me who can be considered...a litte "soft". Which doesn't help me open up to people at all. I'd love to lose weight but shit it's hard, especially when sports piss you off and physical exertion is hell. I hate sports because it's all about showing you're better than someone else, and most of the time competition turns people into pricks. Maybe if I was really good at sports I'd hop on the band-wagon, but that's neither here nor there.

Enough about me, let's focus on someone worth fawning over. Craig also keeps his hair short which shows off his...what...well-proportioned head? I don't know, it's a good head shape really. Good for taking your hands in at least if you're going to kiss him passionately. I've thought about giving him a peck on the lips...okay to hell with it, I have thought about taking his head in my hands when I kiss him for as long as we're able to hold our breaths. I've never had a real kiss...but I imagine if I had one with Craig he'd be able to make fireworks out of dirt.

So this is why him talking about fucking Heidi is a little annoying for me. Token rolls his eyes and talks more candidly about his dates, whereas Tweek is just plain afraid of girls. But Craig, he wants one thing and he doesn't hide it. Ugh...it's almost like he's rubbing it in. I bet he is, he gets off by bragging. He does it all the time with basketball. He'll explain the details of his rebounds or his drives down-court and all that shit. It just makes me feel worthless and jealous. If I was dating him though I wouldn't have to be envious of anything. At least Craig should be dating one of the more popular girls in school. Even a senior. He could pull it off easily. But the fact that he's dating such an easy target is stupid.

"I'm tellin' you guys this bitch's tongue action is unreal. I used to wonder if the rumors were true, but now..." Craig was speaking loudly because of the noise in the cafeteria. Either that or he wanted as many people as possible to hear his remarks.

"Classy." Token said sarcastically.

Still grinning, Craig gave Token the finger. His trademark so to speak. I've been to his house many times and it's amazing how often that thing gets flipped around. I've found myself almost doing it on numerous occasions. No wonder Craig does it so instinctively. As much as I was scowling on the inside I decided to play it cool and pretended to be interested in Craig's anecdote. "How long did the kiss last?"

Craig grinned wider at the chance to brag more. "For all I know it could have been several minutes. The whore couldn't get enough." He took a sip from his Pepsi, wrapping his lips sensuously around the bottle opening. I had to fight the urge to shudder from the thought of those lips.

"Ah dude! Shouldn't you be worried about diseases or something?!" Tweek was having a stabbing fest with his lasagna. As usual his head was cocked to the side. Doesn't that hurt his neck?

"Fuck Tweek stop asking stupid questions. No I'm not, and I have no reason to be." Craig flipped Tweek off. How unexpected.

Tweek was an interesting specimen; probably the only person that could make me feel better about myself. He feared just about anything, he was paler than uncooked bacon, he had horrible bags under his eyes, and he lets out constant little squeaks and groans. Seems like he's always coming down off of crack or something. For all I know he is. I like having Tweek around to balance out my loser-ness. He'd always talk about how risky girls are and how he could never handle being with one. It probably didn't sway Craig's opinion about them at all but at least someone was saying something and it wasn't me. So I could still act like him screwing girls is cool, if for the sole reason of making him think I'm cool in the process. Kind of sad, huh? But really staying on his good side is the only thing I can hope for right now.

-----

I have the honor of driving Craig home from school everyday. Well, the days where he doesn't stay after school for basketball. I got an old car for free from my parents a few months after getting my license. Not a lot of power, but it gets the job done. Craig has practice today unfortunately.

"I'll be over later, dude." He waved to me as we left our last class.

I also drive Tweek home. He bugs me a little when he shrieks at my hitting the brakes a little hard at stop lights, but I almost feel like it's my responsibility to drive him home. I'd feel like shit if something happened to him on the way home from school. He has a hard time with the bus so usually he just walks.

"This whole Heidi thing is crazy!" He said grasping onto the seat-belt tightly.

"It kinda is." I didn't want to sound too forceful about my dislike of the whole situation. He took a sip of coffee from his thermos that he keeps hidden in his locker.

"Damn it Tweek, please try not to drink that in the car! The last time you spilt some the car stank for a week!"

"Gah! You don't understand man!" He took a big swig and fidgeted with the lid until the sipping hole was covered. Yeah I'm not a big fan of coffee, I just stick with energy drinks. I can't understand how Tweek likes it so much. His breath is usually pretty pungent and his teeth have almost no white left. I gingerly brought it up and he practically had a seizure worrying about his teeth falling out. I'll be damned if I do that again, it scared the shit out of me. Almost literally.

Returning home from school sucks so much more when Craig isn't with me right away. For some reason I can't have any real fun unless he's there. Something we watch on the Internet is Homestarrunner, and I only like to watch it with him so I can see and hear him laugh. His white teeth flash briefly when he does and he lets out energetic laughs. Not obnoxious at all even though they're kind of loud. It makes the comedy that much better. That's one of the things I love him for, the fact that he enjoys it. So many people think the site is either weird or just stupid. I had tried to watch it with Tweek but most of the characters don't have arms or legs and that freaks him out. Token is too snooty to watch it. I don't know what that lucky asshole does in his spare time besides drive around in his Lexus. Well...I think he does spend a lot of time with girls. I'll admit I'm a little jealous of his wealth, but usually I don't let it get to me. I've got decent possessions: my computer, my X-box, my car, so I can't complain much. But it's hard to not imagine what it'd be like to have _that_ much money.

When Craig came over he talked up his accomplishments in basketball as usual. The only other guy he'd talk about consistently was Kyle Brovlofski. It was obvious that he respected him as a player. The kind of respect I would kill for. But I'd have to find another way to earn it. How is a different question altogether. Just by being myself? Ha! Yeah right. When he'd do this I'd just stare at him and, to make him as happy as I thought possible, I'd feign interest and say things like, "Wow" or "cool".

It wasn't bad talking to him, but I'd really enjoy our time together when we're doing something I liked. Which was either TV or games. Games can be so dull by yourself. Then they turn awesome when we play co-op and kick the shit out of everything. He's a good player, which in a way helps me validate my liking of the game. You can be good at them and be a popular guy in school. If only I could make the transition.

-----

The next day in school something exciting happened: in our chemistry class we got a project to build a bridge out of balsa wood. The goal was to have it withstand as much crushing weight as possible before it broke. Craig and I were able to pair up to make a bridge. This was a good excuse to spend more time with him. It made it even better because Craig asked me if I wanted to make one with him.

"Yeah, why not?" I cooly replied, hiding my excitement.

"Alright, why don't you get the wood we need after school and we can start it today?"

"Okay." I'd never work on a project this fast by myself. Two birds with one stone, baby!

Token was nice enough to pair up with Tweek. If Tweek didn't have anyone to pair up with he'd be a wreck.

When Craig and I started trying to physically build the bridge I started getting pissed off. It was a pain in the ass to cut the pieces properly. The bridge had to be a certain height and some of the pieces would need to be cut at a precise angle to make the bridge sturdy.

"Damn bridge!' I exhaled angrily. How could I focus on Craig when this damn thing needed all of my attention? I hate building things by hand. Just give me simple equations or something in math. They're a lot simpler.

"Measure these pieces at 6 and a quarter inches." Craig was good at taking charge of these types of things. I would have preferred to be the one to get the measurements and he the one that carried them out, but I wasn't going to say anything to him about it.

I was cutting some pieces with an exacto-knife when Craig said, "Let me see that for just a second." Without giving me time to hand it to him, he brushed his hand over mine to grab it from me. I froze briefly, taking in every possible sensation from the small touch. It wasn't that small really, not like just one finger barely grazed my hand, but all of them glided over my hand gently as they wrapped around the knife. His touch was so warm and soft. I closed my eyes.

"What?" When I opened my eyes Craig was looking at me strangely. Oh shit, I kind of forgot that he was _right_ there.

"Just uh...smelling the balsa wood." God I can be an idiot sometimes.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" He replied condescendingly. I know I sort of deserved that tone, but I really hated him using it. Just because I'm inferior to him doesn't mean I like him trying to point it out. My self-esteem is pretty fragile when he has his hands on it.

"The smell just reminds me of something is all." I said a little too defensively. It was moments like these where I wish I could go back in time and change our conversations. I wasn't winning any points with Craig here.

"Ooookay." His dismissive tone informed me that he just wanted to drop the whole thing so I wouldn't weird him out more. Or maybe he didn't want any of my personality rubbing off on him or something. Sometimes I really wonder if Craig accepts me at all, or if he just doesn't know how to end our friendship. These thoughts caused me to keep quiet the whole afternoon while we worked.

We made a good start on our bridge that day.

"So guess what I'm doing tomorrow?" Craig said brightly. This instantly cheered me up as his new tone helped dispel the bad aftertaste of the fiasco earlier. Maybe he's already forgotten about it. That'd be great.

"What?" I asked interestedly. My good humor was about to crushed under a mountain of bad news.

"So check this out, Token and I are going on a double-date tomorrow. He's going to bring his car to pick up the girls. He's gonna supply the car, I'll supply the charm and good looks. But the important part is that I talked to Heidi today and we're definitely going to have sex. Her father will be out of the house tomorrow night so she can't wait to fuck me in her room. I'm going to give her the lay of a life-time!"

As much as him talking about Heidi bothered me before, it was nothing compared to how I felt now. I could swear there was a chunk of rock in my chest. It was a semi-tolerable thought before, but now the situation was _much _more serious. Sex was huge, and who knows what could happen with Heidi after that. It was easier to picture myself with Craig because he hadn't slept with a girl yet. I don't think he has. Should I ask him? Hell no that'd be weird and a little perverted. But I have to know! No you can't ask, dip-shit! _Fuck it_!!

"Aren't you a virgin, though?" I must of asked this as a way to maybe sway him from having sex with her. If he was a virgin, God willing, perhaps he'd just forgotten and me reminding him was what he needed to be scared about sex again.

Craig scowled a little. "Look who's talking." Yeah, that hurt a bit, it hurt later actually, right now I couldn't think about that remark. "So what if I am? It's called porn, dude. I've learned all I need to know from it."

Damn it! He sounds so confident! I've watched porn too...but after a while that man/woman stuff just became creepy. They're like psychotic animals. It was around that time that I started watching a little gay porn. So much of that stuff is tamer, and dare I say...sweet. Ugh I disgust myself sometimes. Especially when I masturbate using the image of Craig as one of the guys on the screen. I never did that at first, but eventually I needed something to spice it up, and Craig was more than perfect for that. God if he knew that...it's a damn good thing that no one can read minds.

After my little train of thought ended I focused back on what Craig had told me. The sinking feeling in my heart was heavier, much heavier. I had to think of some kind of escape from it. I became desperate, and said the only thing I could think of.

"Couldn't you just cancel it so you and I can do something tomorrow? Something funner than the bridge?" Holy shit I can't believe I said that. How needy. My mental bashing of myself stopped when I saw the expression on Craig's face. He was frowning angrily. Then he flipped me his middle finger. That was a bad..._bad_ sign. Usually when he does that he either has no expression or he's grinning. Those ones you can't take very seriously. But when he's frowning it tells you he means it. My heart was throbbing with fear and I could only look at him with my mouth slightly open.

"Don't be a fag."

He then left me there. Sitting like some pathetic, clingy woman. I could have easily shot myself if there was a gun nearby. I stood up slowly, swallowing in an attempt to return moisture to my dry mouth. The stinging feeling in my chest along with the throbbing made me think I was having a heart attack, which was something I'd welcome gladly to put me out of my misery. The frown, the finger, the comment, and on top of that the knowledge that Craig was going to have sex with Heidi was too much. I ran into my room, slammed the door and dived onto my bed, sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. Every tear took with it a little sadness, but everytime a little sadness faded it was instantly filled up again. I wanted to cry all night so the pain and sorrow wouldn't over-whelm me. _"I'm such an idiot."_ I kept saying to myself, hoping that this would help Craig realize that as well so he knew what I said was a big mistake and he'd just forget about it. But he still was going to have sex with Heidi and as far as I was concerned, this meant I was out of the picture.

"I'm fucked." I choked out, eventually drifting away to sleep, which put an end to my misery momentarily.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know how long I was asleep, but it wasn't long enough because when my mother came into my room and woke me up, she could tell I'd been crying.

"Clyde?! What's the matter? What happened?" Wow she sounds shrill. I guess I don't blame her. She hasn't seen me cry in years, because I haven't. Craig and I have been friends for as long as I can remember, and now for all I knew things were over. Wasn't that at least a decent reason to cry? As long as no one finds out about it that is. We all need to cry sometimes, and now that I was awake I wanted to cry more. I couldn't do that in front of her, so I scrunched my face as hard as I could, but still couldn't stop my damned bottom lip from trembling.

I have to think of something to tell her. What's a good, manly reason to cry? There's not one, men aren't supposed to cry. The only thing that entered my mind from earlier that day was our bridge, so I used that.

"Our bridge is going to suck I think, and it's pissing me off!" No, what happened while we were building the bridge is what's pissing me off. I'm a loser who's not deserving of Craig's attention, and now more that ever he's going to realize that. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't convince myself otherwise. I couldn't find the silver lining on everything. There was none. The cloth has been butchered mercilessly, and I'm the one who gets stuck holding the shitty portion. These thoughts make my lip quiver harder, I barely have the will-power to focus on making it stop.

"Don't be ridiculous! Your bridge will be great as long as you work hard on it. Now stop this crying! It's pathetic." Son of a bitch, Mom! I know it's pathetic but the _last _thing I need is you deeming it so! So many times I've wanted to say things like this to her when she gets on my case. But I don't have the balls, and even if I did try to it wouldn't come out right and I'd mess it up horribly.

"Fine, I get it. Thanks." I was able to muster some sarcasm here through my sniffles, hoping that just maybe she'd understand she was being kind of a bitch. No such luck. At least she was stopping the thoughts of Craig for the moment.

"Good. So did Craig go home for the evening?"

Physically hearing the name was like a javelin in my heart, such nervous based, stabbing pains in my chest I'd never felt before. It all came back two-fold. More tears spilled out of my eyes like birds flying from a gun-shot. With all the strength of an infant, I attempted to stop my voice from quavering as I muttered: "Just leave me alone, Mom." I put my face in my pillow, hoping the blackness would swallow everything up.

"Honestly Clyde, what is wrong?!" The annoyance in her voice was cutting through my patience. I can not deal with her now.

"Nothing important! Just get out!"

"Don't take that tone with me, young man!" Usually her stern tone would get me to back down, but I didn't care about any part of her right now.

"OUT!" I thought my outburst deserved something more fitting than an angry gasp, followed by an exasperated sigh.

"We'll discuss this later. Don't you come out of here until you're ready to apologize!"

She stormed out. If I had any strength left just to spite her I would have left my room with my head held high. Actually I only felt that way because I didn't give a shit about her mood or what she thought of me. Craig was tearing all the hope I had in myself straight out, without even meaning to. Maybe he didn't know, or just didn't care. Either scenario brought no comfort to my troubled mind.

This time sleep brought no relief to my pain. I dreamt that Craig got married. It might have been Heidi, or more likely just some other girl, his affections brought on by the night he had had with Heidi, and he couldn't wait to spend his life with some girl, having sex every chance he got. I wasn't even in the dream. I might as well have been a ghost, watching his last chance at salvation fading away. That sure as hell was what it felt like. It would have been so much better if my mind created a scenario where Craig apologized to me and said how awful it was spending so much time with a girl. I really could have used it, but instead I was stuck with this sickening display of my darkest fear. Thanks a lot brain.

-----

I never thought I'd be a little happy to wake up for school. But after the dream I had, being awake was a lot sweeter than the warm, relaxing embrace of a bed on a freezing morning. I was able to focus on just getting ready for school, picking out one of my nicer shirts and tan, khaki pants. I spent a little more time than usual combing my hair, making sure all the strands went the same way. I noticed how dark and lifeless my eyes were. It made sense, I had nothing to be excited about. At least on other days there was always the prospect of doing something with Craig. But not today, he had his date. That thought was the only thing that caused any kind of sensation in my hollow chest, and it wasn't a pleasant one, it felt like acid was churning around in my innards.

Fortunately my parents weren't awake yet. I just had some toast and milk. When I got into my car I realized I had a dilemma: I picked up Craig at his house for school. Could I handle it? Did he even want me to pick him up? To make the decision easier I just said to myself that he doesn't care about me. This helped me to muster some weak anger and I drove to school, trying to put him out of my mind. It worked...until I saw the building come into view. Then I knew I'd see him eventually, and my heart started thumping in fear.

In second period English we sit next to each other. I was already sitting when he took his seat next to me. I did my best to pretend I was studying our assigned reading, praying he'd say something at all comforting to me. I cringed when I remembered I didn't pick him up from school. Was he pissed? I didn't know for certain, because the only thing he asked was: "What page are we supposed to be up to?"

His voice would have been so much sweeter if it wasn't so flat. He might as well have been asking an ATM what his remaining balance was. I swallowed as my eyes started stinging slightly. "90" I whispered back, not able to manage talking any louder. Maybe he was annoyed at me, for any number of reasons. I kept my head tilted to the right as to not look at him. Sure, I could take the effort to talk to him and maybe set things right, but again, I have no balls, and if he talked to me of his own free will then I'd have known that things were going to get better. He didn't say anything.

Simultaneously I screamed at him for being such a dick, while the more reasonable part of me deducted that he had no reason to talk to me, and in essence he hadn't done anything wrong. I'm always sabotaging myself like that. If I could have latched on to the "dick" scenario I could have buried my pain in anger. But no, all pain, all self-loathing. That period I couldn't have told you if we had a substitute teacher or not. I did my best to just focus on the words of my book, whatever I could do to stop my thoughts.

I cursed to myself at lunch when I saw that Craig was already sitting down with his food. The plan was I'd get my food first and then take the first seat, and Craig would sit across from me because he wanted to. I didn't have the nerve to make the move to sit across from him. I didn't know if he wanted me to or not. I sat a few seats down from him on the other side of the bench, immersing myself in my food so I wouldn't look at him. I relaxed slightly when Token sat down in front of him, until they started talking about the date. I hoped I'd hear something about it being called off, or at least postponed. The cafeteria was too noisy to hear them though, they weren't talking loud at all. I reasoned that the date wasn't called off, Craig had that glint in his eyes, and a great smile on his face. If only he'd smile like that because of me.

Tweek sat down across from me. "What are you doing sitting this far away?"

"Token and Craig are talking about a date they're going on today." I said this so quietly. I was surprised that Tweek even heard me, which was good because I didn't want to repeat it.

"Oh...uh, crazy." He didn't sound like he really thought it was crazy, but maybe he thought he should respond that way because of how I looked. I don't know how I appeared really, but I sure as hell didn't have any energy to seem chipper.

"Craig says he's going to have sex with Heidi tonight."

"Agh! Jesus, dude!" I grinned slightly at Tweek's reaction. I think it was the reason I told him, because he'd be just as visibly upset as I felt. After my grin subsided I realized it wasn't worth it, I put my head down on my hands so I could try to let the darkness take me again; whatever I could do to get away.

"What are you two talking about over there?" Craig asked, sort of accusingly.

I didn't want to look at him then, but I jerked my head up to tell him a lie before Tweek gave him the truth. I mustered up all the energy possible to respond normally. My heart felt like a battery that was about to die. It was a comforting thought.

"Just talking about the food." I glared at Tweek to tell him to keep his mouth shut.

"Whatever." Craig turned back to his conversation with Token, obviously eager to iron out the details. Hey, at least he took a little time out of his busy schedule to talk to me, right? But I didn't care, he probably thought we were gossiping about him, which we kind of were.

"What's wrong, man?" Tweek sounded genuinely upset. It was kind of sweet.

"Nothing, Tweek." Again, my voice was barely above a whisper. Maybe if I stop talking I can lapse into a coma.

"Errggh, nothing?! You're never like this!"

Ugh, Tweek's not a big fan of change, and seeing how I'm the most constant variable in his life, because I'm always able to spend time with Craig, I guess me acting like this is stressful for him. That's something I don't understand, though. I wouldn't care much if he was acting different, sometimes it'd be a refreshing change. It's a different story with Craig, but that's because he's...well...Craig. The forbidden fruit. Only forbidden because he's erected a fence around himself, and now he's going to give the key to the gate to some whore. I felt pissed again.

"Please stop bugging me Tweek, it's nothing!"

He yelped and looked at his food nervously, yanking on his hair. I felt bad, I shouldn't have snapped at him like that, but Craig was causing all of these new emotions within me and I couldn't handle them.

"Sorry, Tweek." I got up and left, doing my best to cut my losses.

I walked around the halls before next period started, staring blankly ahead. When my thoughts turned to Craig I decided to examine the other students and try to pick out their attractive qualities. Thin nose, shiny hair, great teeth, slim figure, toned figure, almost Craig-like figure. Aw shit. Nothing is working. I stared at the floor as I plodded ahead, focusing on the tiles and the random designs in them. It was the longest lunch I'd ever had.

Arriving at home from school was always such a joyous occasion. Now Craig and I could have a great time together, but of course nothing like that was going to happen today. Craig told me he was going to catch a ride with Token. I figured as much. I flopped down on the couch and watched some TV. My thoughts continued to swim around in my head while I stared at the screen. Not stimulating enough I decided. I went to my room and got on the computer to play whatever I could get my hands on. I did that for a while, but still it wasn't enough to calm my mind. I still thought about how much Craig was probably going to enjoy his new experience, how little he respected me, how much of a wuss I was. It was infuriating to say the least. Being on the computer usually helped me relax, but knowing I wasn't going to be using it with Craig made it all feel sour. I had nothing to look forward to, and it was miserable.

-----

But I still continued on in life, much to my surprise. Sure enough, Craig did have sex with Heidi. I heard about it when we actually got together to build our bridge. I was elated that he was coming back over to my house at first, especially after he was a ghost that whole weekend. Then he brought up Heidi, and how much she obviously liked what he had to offer. I could have sealed his mouth shut with the powerful smelling glue we used to hold our bridge together. It made things worse that I knew he was only over here for his grade. He never asked about me, how World of Warcraft or whatever we were involved with was going. He could be like that, he and I would be playing something hard core for a little while, then he'd stop as if we had never been playing it in the first place. I didn't get him, but seeing him so full of energy made me want him just as much, even though he was acting so callous and was crushing whatever soul he had revived by coming over. He couldn't have known, and that's how I reasoned on forgiving him.

After we had our bridge built, I didn't give a shit on how it performed, I never saw or talked to him outside of school. For weeks I had nothing going for me. No great times after school, no friends to hang out with. I only talked to Tweek during lunch, worried about what Craig would talk about if I sat with him. If he didn't go into details it was easier to believe he was lying.

"I'm surprised Heidi still has the energy to keep going after what I've been doing with her!" Craig would brag.

Hey, he's calling her by her first name now, how about that? He must respect her at least a little bit. He spoke about basketball too, but not about Kyle nearly as much as he used to. It seemed like he wanted to talk only himself up, like he was the King of the School or something, it made me sick seeing him so happy at my expense. A normal friend would be at least a little happy for him, but not me. Not if it meant throwing me in the garbage. It was this thought that made me break into a cold sweat: he probably only hung out with me as a place-holder until something better came along. That's all I was, a stepping stone. He really is a dick. A selfish bastard. Thinking of him this way eased the pain a little, then he'd smile at me, well, maybe not _at _me but _near_ me and I'd cling onto that like a dog onto a meaty bone. It was his charisma that made my hopes still cling to him. It was pointless, really.

After a while I understood what people meant when they'd say their "hearts have hardened" or whatever the cliche is. But it really felt like that. It made things slightly easier to not feel joy, then you couldn't feel sorrow. I didn't want my parents to delve into my personal life any so I acted as normal as possible around them, and it worked. I even apologized for yelling at my mom, if only to shut her up.

Enough time passed that I got desperate for some sort of human interaction after school. Tweek was the only logical choice, he and I would hang out during lunch. Plus, he wasn't a prick who bragged all the time. I called him up, something I could never do with Craig, he always contacted me, which was the way I liked it, knowing he actually wanted to do something with me instead of just going along. This might have been the biggest reason I never talked to him after school, I couldn't call him up, and he had more important matters to attend to, like his constant erection. I'd better not dwell on that anymore.

After I dialed the number Tweek's dad answered. "Hello?"

"Hi...uh...is Tweek home?" It was actually a good thing that Tweek didn't answer first, I had no idea what I was going to say.

"Yes, just a moment I'll get him. Tweeeeeeek?"

That's not actually getting him if you're just yelling his name, but that's what I'd do. Waiting for Tweek to pick up the phone gave me time to prepare my question.

"Agh! H-hello??" Obviously Tweek doesn't get very many phone calls. The nervousness in his voice was borderline adorable. I guess...

"Hey, I'm pretty bored over here, would you like to come over or something?"

"Oh...uh...y-yeah. Sure. I'll come over when I can. Agh!" Wow, he sounded more upset than he should. I wonder why?

I found out after he came over. It was funny to hear my mom tell me Tweek was here, she hadn't seem in in who knows how long, and her tone was of bewilderment. She might as well have said, "_Tweek's_ here?!" I told her I asked him to come over and we went up to my room.

I didn't have any plans for us, I didn't know what he liked. To break the silence I asked: "Anything you want to do?"

"I-I don't know, man. You asked me over..." He started twirling his hair nervously again, making his spikes droop slightly. You know, if he worked on it he could probably look like Cloud from Final Fantasy 7. I love that game.

He took a sip from his thermos full of coffee that I just noticed he had. Of course he'd bring coffee with him for an occasion like this, we never hang out. I still couldn't figure out why he was so nervous, it's only me after all.

"Well what do you do at your house?" I was interested in the answer.

"J-just...I don't know, homework or whatever."

The small mention of school made me sullen again, causing my shoulders to slouch until they almost touched my waist. The only place where Craig would give me the time of day. It was here where I found out what was probably making Tweek so nervous.

"O-okay. Please don't be mad at me, but why do you seem so morose lately, man? Ehhng, I mean, I-I'm just wondering if something's up."

He stared at me with fear in his eyes, taking another big swig from his coffee. I remembered how I'd snapped at him the last time he asked me. For him to have the courage to ask again must mean it's really bothering him. I kept silent, not showing any anger, as I thought of an answer. The longer I waited the more he started twitching, causing my mattress to squeak slightly.

Having my emotions buried under hopelessness for so long gave me the courage to give him a true response.

"Alright Tweek. You have to promise me not to tell anybody. I uh...like guys, and..."

"You what??"

The way Tweek said that confused the hell out of me, enough for me to forget about my embarrassing confession for the moment. He said it happily I think, I focused all my attention on his face which was staring at me in disbelief. He was waiting for me to speak.

"Don't make me repeat it Tweek...it's hard enough that-"

"You like guys?" He cut me off. I didn't have a chance to tell him the real reason I was so upset, but I was glad that he kept interuppting. Maybe I wouldn't have to tell him about Craig.

I turned away from him and nodded, looking dead ahead. In a way I almost didn't care if he told people about this. If anything, it would have been a better excuse to kill myself. I always wondered what would be the quickest, most painless way to pull it off, because being a pussy and all made me nauseous sometimes to picture some of the possibilities.

He took a few breaths in preparation for what was about to happen next. He put his hand on the middle of my back. My eyes widened at the unexpected contact, but I kept my gaze forward.

"Clyde...I l-like guys too..." my mouth fell open here, and he kept speaking, "...and I'm hoping that you called me over here...a-and told me that because...you hopefully...like me too?"

My head started spinning like a cyclone. _"Too?" _Does Tweek like me? _Me?! _I mustered the courage to look over at him, and sure enough my thoughts were correct. He had a hopeful look on his face, his eyebrows were arched downwards in fear of what my response would be, but the corners of his mouth were turned upwards slightly in excitement of my revelation. His eyes bored into mine, pleading for me to make him happy. I didn't know if I could do it, but if anything he had filled me with new found life. No one had ever liked me before. He gave me power over him, and I was feeling mixed emotions of pride in myself and feelings for Tweek. It was so great to know I wasn't nothing to everyone. So many thoughts were hitting me that I couldn't respond, and then I noticed his slight grin quavering, the light in his eyes started retreating. My heart went out to him, and I leaned into him and threw my arms around him. Embracing him tight in an attempt to melt the cold inside of me. It started working when he hugged back.

"Thank you, Tweek."

He sniffed joyfully.

-----

So our era had begun. Nothing could have prepared me for it. The fact that it was nervous little Tweek helped calm my fears though. He wouldn't judge me. He admitted he liked me, I was on top for once. It was easier to put the pangs of jealousy over Craig out of my mind when I thought about spending time with Tweek after school. I actually had something to look forward to. Before we left that night I laid down some rules for us. Mainly not to tell anyone and to not let on about it in school. I didn't feel guilty about wanting to hide it, I was sure Tweek felt the same way. We departed with one last hug that night. It was great to hug his slender frame, it made me feel like more of a man.

It was easier for me to see Tweek's good qualities once we were going out. How his skin might be pale, but almost silky, how much fire there can be in his eyes, how much personality there is in his hair. The rest of the world can be really fuzzy when you only look straight ahead.

As usual at lunch Tweek and I kept our distance from Craig and Token. Now that I was happier I guess Craig deemed me worthy of his attention. He'd say "Hi" to me more often and would chat with me more during class. When he did that it was impossible not to think about him in certain ways, but I was doing better in replacing him with Tweek. Tweek deserved my fantasies, not Craig.

We were both so new to this relationship thing that it took a long while to make a move on each other. Usually we would hold hands while watching TV until my parents came home. Sometimes he'd rest his hand on my chest or scratch my back. My stomach would lurch every time I'd be spontaneous and give him a strong embrace from behind. I wasn't used to anything like this. Fortunately he'd giggle whenever I did it, which helped me not feel like a retard.

We were at his house one night when he gently kissed my neck.

"U-um...is there anything you want to do?" He asked nervously.

Seeing him so frightened and boyish looking helped me take the initiative to kiss him lightly on the lips. His face became calmer as he got up and locked his door. He walked back over to where I was sitting on his bed. He grabbed my hands to pull me up so he could press his lips more firmly into mine. After a brief moment they slid together perfectly, with both of my lips sucking genlty on his top one, just like I'd seen it done so often in the movies.

It was fascinating that my lips had such a strong connection to my crotch, little jolts of pleasure shot their way down my body, pooling in my most sensitive area. When Tweek pressed his hips closer into me, my pants nearly erupted. He was wearing a T-shirt so I easily pulled it over his head. I needed to touch his thin body so I took him in my arms and laid him down on his bed. I caressed my fingers delicately over his chest and stomach, savoring the feel of his skin on my fingertips. At first I felt incredibly foolish doing this, until Tweek moaned in delight and arched his back, inviting my fingers to do as much work as they pleased. His response got me more fired up, and my reasoning brain shut down to make way for more carnal pleasures. I didn't act beastly in any way, don't get me wrong. But from what I started doing I sure felt like it. I got down on my knees as I continued to stroke his body, his eyes were closed which made it easier for me to make my decision. I unbuttoned his pants and took them off, laying a hand gently on top of the bulge through his underwear. He gasped in shock, then relaxed, waiting for whatever I had in store for him. He wanted this, didn't he? That was all I needed to know. It was a good thing that I had watched my share of gay porn, so I didn't see anything that shocked me. The stiff flesh I saw was inviting, daring me to continue. Better yet, I had an idea of how to make him climax. I used my mouth in the same way I'd seen it done on the screen. I couldn't tell how well I was doing at the time, I had to focus severely so I didn't orgasm myself. The feeling of him inside my mouth was making me go wild, but I didn't stop to serve myself. When I knew he was about to explode I grabbed his shirt and used it to catch the liquid as I finished with my hands.

When I was done I could only assume I had done a good job, his face was aglow with ecstasy. When I flopped down next to him on the bed he quickly composed himself and went to take my shirt off. I wasn't comfortable about being topless around him so I pushed his hands towards my pants. It was all I could do to not yell, "Please hurry!" at him. He worked quickly and excitedly. It was an entirely different experience to have someone else service me, and my body erupted into spasms of pleasure as he started, I gripped his blanket tightly until my knuckles went white.

When I was about to arrive I breathed, "Okay!" to him and he pulled away, I practically soared into the clouds as I released, and I almost missed catching it with his shirt.

We both laid next to each other on the bed, panting heavily. When the fog of lust passed, I said to him quietly: "Sorry about your shirt."

He shook his head from side-to-side in a ridiculous fashion, laughing weakly, "I don't care about the shirt."

"Good." I laid next to him, caressing his bare chest and stomach a few more minutes while I closed my eyes.

I waited until my breathing calmed and I knew my face wasn't so red before I left. When I opened the door, I whispered back to him, "You're the best, Tweek." At the time I meant it. He'd given me so much when for so long I had nothing. A tear of joy fell down his cheek as he waved goodbye.

It was on the way home when the magic of the moment was broken when I realized something: I had thought of Craig during most of that. That it was his skin I was touching and him that I had made orgasm. I wanted Craig to feel that pleasure from me so badly so he'd know I was worth his time. The guilt I felt was unbearable, and my best attempt to make it go away was to say to myself: "That was our first time, and I didn't see it coming. Next time it'll be all about Tweek."

-----

I usually don't deceive myself but this was an entirely different situation. In a way I had to in order to save my sanity. You know when you're eating more dessert than you know you should, but then you just tell yourself you'll exercise it off later? But deeper down you also know you're never going to exercise? Still, just saying that you'll do it helps you stifle the guilt and you chow down on the sweets? Yeah, that was me right now. The fantasies about Craig during Tweek's and my intimate time together were getting worse, but I kept telling myself they weren't. Most of the time I'd keep my eyes closed so I could picture him better. Tweek was attractive, yes, but my obsession with Craig had become too ingrained within me, and I couldn't stop them. Now every time I looked at Craig in school I'd blush, thinking about what it'd be like for him and me.

I guess it was the fact that Craig was so unobtainable that made me think about him so often. Tweek liking me was great and all...but I didn't feel like I had earned it. If _Craig_ was interested in me, then that would really mean something. I suppose it's "the grass is always greener" syndrome I was experiencing. I can't explain it any other way. I had something great, but now I wanted more.

The guilt would reach it's peak when Tweek would sit across from me, smiling like he didn't have a care in the world. Lying to myself was the only way I could bring myself to smile back at him, believing that nothing was wrong.

"Hey, I need to tell you something." He said to me at lunch one day. This time we were sitting as far away from anyone else as possible, I was confused as to why Tweek picked a seat so far away from other people. But I soon knew why. It was the return of his nervous nature that got me worried.

"W-what is it?" My guilt was buried by fear now, wondering why Tweek was acting differently.

"I told my parents about us."

"HOLY SH-" I brought my hand down on the table, causing him to jump. I never thought something like _this _was going to happen. I stopped myself from further shouting and growled the "shit" part at him.

"P-please don't be mad, Clyde! They knew something was going on with me and I had to tell them! They wouldn't leave me alone!"

I shook my head in shock. My heart was pounding at what I was about to ask. "How did it go? What did they say?"

He chuckled nervously. "W-well...they didn't talk to me for about an hour after I told them. Then they sat down with me and said they were disappointed in me for not saying anything to them about it earlier. They said they understood that I have to make my own decisions...but they also hope I'll ch-change my mind soon." He swallowed fearfully.

"Change your mind?"

"About liking guys and not girls." He said solemnly.

I realized I didn't know how far their talk went. I was even more scared now when I asked, "Wait, what _exactly _did you tell them about us?" My voice came out in a venomous whisper. At the time I didn't care that I was making Tweek cringe, he went behind my back on this.

"J-just that we were going out is all. That we're boyfriends."

That was a weird thing to actually hear someone say. I don't know if it was the word "boyfriend" in general, or the fact that it referred to me and Tweek being together. That thought made me feel guilty again.

"S-so...they don't know about what we've been doing in private?" I ventured to ask.

"No. T-they did say that I'd better not do anything like that until I'm 18." He looked down dejectedly at the table.

That's only about a year and a half away, I thought. My eyes shot open in terror, "They didn't say anything about telling _my_ parents, did they?!"

"N-no...not specifically."

I groaned angrily. "You'd better tell them not to as soon as possible, Tweek!"

"AGH! I-I will, I'm sorry!"

Now I had two conflicting emotions to deal with: guilt and paralyzing fear. Oh I hope to God that my parents don't know.

-----

I thanked my lucky stars when Tweek called me and said his parents hadn't, and promised they wouldn't tell my parents anything. They said that was my business. If they were in the room I could have hugged them for being so intelligent. To get over the shock I worked on a book report for my English class that was due in a few days. I told Tweek that we could do something tomorrow. He consented to that, probably worried that I was still mad at him. I wasn't so much anymore. I was angry at myself. Tweek really deserved all of my affections and it wasn't right for me to be dreaming about Craig so often. As of late he hadn't been talking about girls much at all, only basketball, and with that, more about Kyle.

Because of this I started examining Kyle more. He had long legs and fingers, probably great for holding the ball. He did have great eyes, almost as good as Craig's, but I got used to the darker look so they didn't interest me as much. Kyle seemed carefree, not really as interesting as Craig. I didn't like his red hair nearly as much either, it didn't reflect the light the same way Craig's did, and it was a tad too bouncy. It was weird, when I saw him and Craig together they almost seemed like brothers, grasping each others hand and patting each other on the back. Kyle seemed more alive when he was around Craig. Usually it was Stan that made him that way, but Stan, like Craig had been before, was involved seriously with Wendy. I assumed that, like me and Craig, they only hung out in school. More and more Kyle would give Stan sort of a passing glance, like "Hey, how's it going?" In an off-handed way. I could have been dead wrong, but that's what it seemed like to me. Girls really can come between two guys' friendship. I knew that. I didn't feel bad for Kyle though, he got a lot of Craig's attention, and I hated him for it. Just because he was good at basketball.

Over time Tweek and I started getting involved again. We only fooled around when his parents were gone, and I'd have to sneak over. Tweek didn't want to take any chances, and I didn't blame him. The problem was that our lack of constant contact made me yearn for Craig more, who wouldn't let his parents get in the way. Trying to put some of the blame on Tweek made me feel like a douche. I probably wouldn't risk anything if my parents knew about us. I'd probably distance myself from Tweek to stay as safe as possible. I'm really a wuss.

Our first night together after a few days had Tweek whispering in my ear, "I've missed you." I tried to moan in a way that told him I felt the same way. I couldn't bring myself to say the same thing, because I didn't know if I really missed Tweek, or just the sex.

I realized the more time I spent talking with Craig during school, the less attractive Tweek was becoming. Maybe not less attractive, just Craig was becoming more so. Craig's skin was such a healthier shade, his eyes never looked sunken in, his hair would shimmer, and from the small glances I got at his stomach when his shirts would ride up enough, he was much more cut. I was lucky to get Tweek's affection, being slightly flabby and all, but I couldn't help my physical attraction to Craig. I would still tell myself that eventually I'd get over it, and in a way I slightly believed it. Until I heard something that shattered everything that I had become accustomed to.

Token nearly ran into me and Tweek before school one day. We were always together because I started picking him up for school a while back.

"Guys! Guys! You won't believe it!! This is insane!" Token spouted to us out of breath from all the running.

"Good God, Token, what is it?" I asked. Token isn't one to get excited very often. What, did you get to trade in your Lexus for a Viper or something?

"I had heard rumors, but now he's confirmed them! Are you ready for this?!"

"I don't know Token, just spit it out!" It didn't sound like this was about cars. I was getting pretty anxious. Tweek just stood there wide-eyed at Token's excitement.

"Craig and Kyle are dating!"

Everything went black.

-----

**A/N: **I'm a bit nervous about the love scene I wrote between Clyde and Tweek. Reviews or comments, please??


	3. Chapter 3

Did I just wake up? I'm so cold...is my hair wet? Where am I?

"Clyde? Dude, what the hell happened?"

"AGH! Are you alright?!"

Voices? Yeah, Tweek. He sounds so worried. He can be so sweet...but Token's voice...there's something about it. What did he say? Craig, Kyle, dating...YES! That's why I...but no, no he didn't mean they were _dating_. Of course he meant they were doing double dates or something. I'm such a freak. Passing out from something like that. How am I going to explain it to them?

"C-come on, man, say something!"

I wished myself back into my bed so I could start the day over. This wasn't actually happening, right? Yeah, of course it was. The snow I was lying in was seeping into my pants pretty hard-core now. The shit I just put myself in is real. Maybe I'll tell them I didn't eat this morning. I opened my eyes slowly to have the face of Tweek staring at me as he knelt next to me. He let out a small sigh of relief. Wow, was he actually worried? I suppose he had a right to be; that was pretty sudden. I grinned weakly at him and sat up slowly, my head throbbing slightly. As I held my hand to my head I told them, "Uggghhh, sorry about that, guys. I didn't eat this morning and I guess it got to me." This was a pretty reasonable excuse, right? Tweek was still looking at me and I gave him a small nod of my head to tell him to take it easy. His eyes creased more with worry but he stood up straight and took a pace back.

"Really? I don't know, the look on your face when I told you that Craig and Kyle are dating was priceless. You went so pale!"

I froze momentarily, scowling at my pants in an attempt not to glare at Token. I kept my tone level as I responded: "Why would learning something like that matter? It's cool that they're going on double dates together."

"Holy Christ you can be naive. No Clyde, they are _dating_ each other. No joke."

I got up from the snow-covered grass that I had fallen into, and almost passed out again at Token's words. I felt the sensations of blood loss from my head and I saw flashes of white in front of my eyes, I stumbled slightly and Tweek grabbed my arm to keep me steady. I was nauseous. This couldn't be right. Craig dating Kyle? How the fuck did that happen? Not only that, but he was telling people about it? God my stomach is in a tight knot. I can't go to school right now. Not with Craig dating another guy. No way can I go in there and face him. As I turned around to go back to my car, Tweek tugged slightly on my shirt sleeve.

"What's going on?" He sounded so nervous, as if I was about to keel over any second. For all I knew, he was correct.

"I uh...must have been something I ate." I walked cautiously forward, I was worried that any sudden jarring to my stomach would cause me to throw up.

"B-but you said you didn't eat breakfast this morning."

Token turned around towards the school and looked back at us with a confused eye. "I'm going to head to class. Take some Pepto or something, Clyde. You're almost green." He walked towards the building.

I ignored Token and focused my energy on Tweek, thinking of whatever lies I needed to calm him down so he would let me go home. "I meant I didn't have a good breakfast. I only had a piece of cake." My stomach lurched at the thought of eating something so heavy and sweet. The pain in my stomach was getting worse, and I let out a small groan in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure off of my insides.

"J-Jesus man! Let me come with you. I...I need to make sure you're alright."

I can be a prick when I'm so self-involved. I didn't think at all about the sweet gesture Tweek had just made. I only wanted to be alone.

"Please Tweek, just go to class. I'll be fine. It's not that far of a drive to my house." I gasped in an exasperated manner.

"Oh...okay." I didn't dare look at Tweek, but I could tell he was on the edge of tears. Why I didn't know. This made me want to leave faster, I'm not comfortable around tears. I thought of something to hopefully raise his spirits as I reached the parking lot.

"I'll call you when I'm feeling better." I didn't hear his response, and I didn't plan on calling him. Who knew when I would feel better after this?

I made it home safely, and I couldn't even remember the actual ride back. It was a good thing my parents weren't home. I didn't take the time to prepare an excuse as to why I came home so early. My thoughts were on my queasy stomach and on how the hell Craig could do this to me! He'd been my friend for years and after all that he decides to date his _basketball _buddy? What did you do to him, Kyle?! What kind of shit did you promise him? This only made my nausea worse. I rushed into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed to stop my stomach from heaving. It was my anger that stopped me from crying at this feeling of betrayal that I felt from Craig. This all must be Kyle's fault! He tricked him, or promised him some money or something! His parents are wealthy, right?

I got up and paced back and forth in a futile effort to relax my churning stomach, wondering how something like this could have happened to Craig. I decided I had to ask him. But how was the bigger question. Would he be defensive? Would I be able to sound casual enough so he wouldn't get an idea about how I felt? I took a deep breath and imagined what I would say. After a moment I pictured him and Kyle making out. I screamed in anger, causing sharp pangs in my stomach.

"Damn you Kyle..." I growled at my walls, wishing he'd step out from them so I could hit him with my heaviest text-book. Okay, I really need to work on what I'm going to say to Craig. I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked hideous. My eyes were sullen and I was as pasty as raw dough. The back of my hair was matted and poked out at all angles.

"No wonder he never considered going out with me." I shouldn't have said that. It was true...but I shouldn't have said it. Any warmth I felt in my chest melted away to cold despair. The sting in my eyes was unbearable as the tears quietly filtered out. I willed myself to say something, to think about what I would say to Craig when I would next talk to him. I had to know. I _had_ to. When I first tried talking out loud my voice was quivering and broken. I felt like such a whiny shit. But this was why I was practicing so I wouldn't break down in front of him. If there was a hidden camera in here and someone was watching this I would have been incredibly humiliated.

Eventually my breathing became more regulated. I said my lines calmly, almost like a robot. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling. I went back into my room and sat on the bed. I didn't think of the outside world at all, my brain was in a mental rut and that's how I liked it. No other thoughts were allowed in. Only what I would say to Craig dominated. Nothing about myself, nothing about Kyle, or even Tweek. I couldn't deal with it. Only Craig...and what I would say.

What will he say? No! Don't worry about that. I'm going to ask him, and what happens, happens.

-----

School was going to get out soon. My mother had come home an hour before. To avoid her I got under the covers and pretended I was sleeping. She eventually opened the door and cried out, "Clyde?! What are you doing home so early?"

Ugh, that was nice of her, to yell at me when it was obvious that I was trying to sleep. I rolled over to face her in the doorway and croaked out in the best sick voice I could manage, "I have a stomach flu or something, I almost puked at school." I did almost throw up earlier, so I had that going for me.

She believed me but didn't act very worried. She hated it when I missed school. "Alright Clyde, you get plenty of rest because you're going to school tomorrow. I'll not have you falling behind in your classes."

I groaned in agreement and turned back to face the wall opposite of my door. I gave a silent "Thank you." when she closed the door.

About an hour after school had ended Tweek called me. When my mother brought the cordless phone into the room she said, "I told him you were sick, but he insisted on talking to you. Is that alright?" As usual she sounded annoyed, but at least she wasn't being a Nazi about screening my calls.

"Yeah, here." I said weakly, reaching my hand out from beneath the covers.

"Hello?" I said into the phone in a stronger voice.

"Clyde?? Jesus, you're not dying are you!? You didn't call!"

For some reason Tweek's voice was making me think about Craig. I'm nervous enough as it is thinking about talking to Craig today. I had to get rid of him fast before I was pulled out of my mental rut that I'd become so accustomed to.

"I'm going to be fine, Tweek. I don't know how sick I am so I'd better not come over today. I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright?"

"Erggh..o-okay."

"Thanks." I hung up, and grasped the phone in terror, wondering how I could get Craig to come over here. The butterflies in my chest were using leaf-blowers...how would they hold onto them? Bah! What's wrong with me? I leaned my head on the phone and concentrated. Okay, I'll tell my mom that Craig is bringing over the homework that I'd missed for the day. As for Craig...

I dialed. When the voice I heard wasn't Craig's a breathed a sigh of relief. It was his sister or something.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Craig home?"

"No, he isn't home yet." Is she chewing gum?

"Do you know where he is?"

"No idea." You don't know or you don't care?

"Uh...okay I'll just call later then."

She hung up. Should I have told her to have him call me? No, then I'd be a wreck every time the phone rang. I need to catch him by surprise. I was annoyed that he wasn't home. I needed to get this over with. Now I had to work even harder to keep my calm. I went to my computer to take my mind off of things. Music, You-Tube, whatever I could think of I pulled it up. I was able to enjoy a few things I saw in short bursts...until I shamefully remembered what I needed to do. I was losing my cool more and more when I thought about talking to Craig, not that I had that much to begin with. Damn it. I need to call him again.

I crawled into bed in an attempt to sleep. My brain was worn out from worrying and I drifted in and out several times. I kept having have these mini-dreams of me calling Craig up. I can't remember what I said or what he said exactly, just that I had done it. It was maddening when I did wake up. Damn you, Craig. It had been over an hour since I called him last, and I nervously grabbed the phone again, fumbling with the buttons as I dialed his number.

This time his mother answered.

"Hello?"

"I-is Craig there?" I almost shouted this at her. I had a lot of pent up fear and frustration and I relieved some of it by doing this, it also made me feel like a jack-ass and I went red in the face.

"Um...I believe so, let me check."

I'm a little surprised she didn't just hang up on me. I held the phone against my head in a futile attempt to cool off my red face. I was staring at the receiver pleading for him to be there and not be there at the same time. If he wasn't there I could prep more. This was a lie. I hadn't done anything to prepare the first time he didn't answer. But this time I will! I need to relax more if he's there I'll-

"Yeah?" Oh shit it's him!

"H-hey...Craig. What's up?"

"Clyde? Shit dude what are you calling for? I thought you were sick with AIDS or something."

The hell was he...? "What?! AIDS??"

"Or something. I talked to Tweek at school and he was fucking psychotic." I wonder what that would have been like to see. Stop thinking about Tweek! You have a mission here, wuss!

"No I'm fine. L-listen...I...I was wondering..."

"If you're fine then why was Tweek so upset?"

"I'm better! Okay? Don't worry about it."

"Why _was _Tweek so upset, man? Christ you'd think his family was being killed or something. What's going on?" My heart started to beat faster. I had to think quick, which was something I'm not good at doing on the spot.

"C-could you come over? I want to ask you something."

There was a short silence. Hopefully he wasn't going to press his question further. If he did come over and brought it up again, I'd be ready.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on?"

"I can explain if you just come over!" I was probably sounding too desperate here.

"Jesus...okay, I will. I'll see you in a little bit."

"K-kay." I was about to hang up when I remembered what I told my mom earlier. "Oh, Craig! Tell my mom that you're bringing me some homework from school."

"Uh...why?"

"Because she's weird like that. It'll just make things easier."

"Whatever."

He hung up. Shit...now he really is coming over and he's on to me and Tweek. Why did he have to be such a drama queen? It was kind of nice but I don't need this right now! I sat down again and took a bunch of calming breaths. My chest felt like a well-played drum after the number my heart did on it during my pathetic performance back there. Is that what having a heart-attack feels like? As if your heart is about to explode? I almost wish it did to save me the embarrassment of what has and will happen today.

Why did I need to talk to Craig so badly? Kyle. Fuck you Kyle!! You're doing all of this to me! Wouldn't it be so sweet if I could steal your little prize away from you? What a prize Craig would be...the problem is I don't have any skills for doing such a thing. Fantasies can be fun though. I shook my head and staggered to my feet long enough to walk to my door and open it and yell: "Mooooom?! Craig is coming over soon to bring me my homework from today."

"Okay, good." Was what she shouted back.

That was easy enough. If only everything would be that easy. I collapsed on my bed again, dreading the inevitable and hoping I wouldn't fuck it up royally.

I'm going to, aren't I?

-----

In a way Craig couldn't arrive fast enough. In another way, he got here way too quickly. It all depends on how you look at it. Me being the spaz I am sometimes I wanted it both ways. Hurry up and get here! No, call me up and say you have something important to take care of. Ring the door-bell now! Shit just go to the movies and forget I ever called you!

When Craig did knock on the door I was _briefly_ grateful to be pulled out of my see-saw of idiocy...but then realized I was going to have to talk to him any second now. I heard his footsteps coming nearer, every thump causing my heart to quiver in fear and my knees to buckle. He opened my door.

All of my previous thoughts were banished as I got my first look of him that day. He looked fantastic. I don't know if it's because I hadn't seen him in a while or what, but his clothes seemed to hug his frame perfectly, accentuating every sexy curve he owned. He was wearing his blue hat with the ear flaps. He hadn't worn that in so long, but it added an indispensable boyish charm to his face. Oh God his face...his eyes were dark and stern, and his mouth was pulled slightly downward in a tight frown. He's pissed. He shut the door none too gently and turned to face me while I was sitting on the bed.

"Okay, what the fuck is up?!" He looked even angrier now. Please smile a little, you look so much cuter when you smile.

"Uh..." That was the only sound I could muster at the time.

"I mean you call me up sounding like a God damn girl or something and ask me to come over so you can ask me something?! I don't even know why I bothered coming over..." He stopped talking and his face relaxed a little. He then got a small grin on his face. You came because you wanted to see me, right? My heart fluttered at the thought. "Oh yeah. What's going on between you and Tweek?"

Fuck. I'd forgotten about that. Think of something think of something think of something...

"Why are you and Kyle dating?" SHIT! I wasn't supposed to be so direct with all of this, but those were the only words I could manage to squeak out under such pressure. The question that had been burning in my mind the whole day, and now they were out there, no preface or cushioning or nothing. I've already fucked things up.

Whatever smirk Craig had was gone as he scowled at me and flipped me off. "Is _that _why you asked me over here?! To corner me like some douche-bag? I will kick your ass like I did Eric Cartman's if you bring this up again. It's none of your business ass-wipe!"

I could barely feel my limbs as he turned to leave. I barely managed to breathe out: "E-Eric Cartman?"

He turned back to me with a triumphant grin on his face. "Yeah. That fat-ass accosted Kyle and me in the lunch line, trying to call us out in front of everybody. Daring us to kiss each other like the queers we are. Kyle tried to talk him down but I was looking for a good excuse to beat the shit out of him. I only broke his nose before he ran off like a pussy. I'd hate to have to do the same to you but I will. I'm not a helpless fag just because I'm dating Kyle."

He turned back to the door while holding his left hand straight up in the air so I could see his prominent middle finger over his left shoulder. I panicked slightly.

"Craig please, I'm serious. Why are you guys dating?" I really sounded like a woman there. At least my tone defused his temper. It was obvious to him now I wasn't here to criticize him or anything.

"Damn it, Clyde. What's wrong with you? You wouldn't understand anyways." It sounded like he was trying to tell me to stop crying. My face flushed as I uttered the next words, hoping they would get him to trust me.

"I think I would. I'm dating Tweek." I couldn't look at him as I spoke. He was the only person I'd told about us. Maybe I was hoping he'd be a little jealous or something.

He chuckled. "Oooohhh...no wonder Tweek was acting like that. Holy shit dude, you and Tweek? _Why?!_" He sounded too amused at this. Was he insulting me?

"What do you mean?" I would have sounded angry if I hadn't been so weak from fear.

"I mean why Tweek? He's kind of a freak."

"He's not a freak!" I felt stupid trying to justify dating him. I wish I was dating someone else so Craig would have maybe a little respect for me. He wasn't jealous at all, I think he's _pitying_ me.

"Wow...fuck." He shook his head in disbelief. Yeah I get it, Craig! I can't reel in the big catches! I had to change the subject.

"So come on, what made you decide to date Kyle?" Please...just let me know.

He looked at me seriously. "Christ, I don't know dude. Girls can be really annoying...especially when they get attached to you. After a while Heidi didn't give a shit about what I wanted, it was all about her. 'Why haven't you called?' 'Why are you being so selfish?' 'Stop being such a pervert!' Shit, I thought _she_ was supposed to be the perverted one. Kyle and I kinda hooked up in the locker room. He seems feminine enough, but isn't an annoying bitch at all. I caught him a few times glancing at me when we were undressing. Figured I'd show him what I got."

So what did that all mean? It didn't sound like he really liked Kyle.

"What about you and Tweek? What have _you_ two done?" He narrowed his eyes at me evilly.

My face burned bright red. "Wha...I...dude shut up!" I hadn't expected that kind of question, and as much as I tried to reassure myself I knew I gave away a lot by my reaction.

He grinned maliciously. "Fine, but you owe me this: why are you two dating?"

I froze. I hadn't thought about it before. Because he said he liked me? I couldn't tell Craig that.

"Well?" He stared at me impatiently, tapping his foot on the carpet.

"H-he's...not what you'd expect." I could have said something mushier to talk Tweek up more, but I didn't feel like it. I felt hollow. Besides, Craig would have thought of me as a pansy if I did.

"Really?" He arched an eyebrow, like he knew I wasn't telling him something. "Is this queer little gossip session over, then?" He said uninterestedly.

"Okay." I replied blandly, as if he was the one who had started all of this. As he left I pondered on what he had asked. Why _were _Tweek and I going out? Tweek seemed to like me, but why? Maybe I had started going out with Tweek to help me to forget about Craig, and that wasn't even working. I knew it wouldn't now more than ever due to Craig dating another guy. He had said girls were annoying. Would he go out with other guys? As I juggled the thought of Craig and Tweek in my mind, a sinking feeling of dread starting welling up in my stomach. Am I going to be able to keep dating Tweek?


	4. Chapter 4

Last night sucked.

I've been a bit of a jerk lately to Tweek behind his back. After Craig left I finally realized this. I should have tried to give Tweek more respect...dare I say, more love, than I had been up to that point. But with Craig standing there staring into my eyes...there almost was no Tweek. I kept tossing and turning at these thoughts. I hadn't said anything positive about Tweek while Craig was there, I might have defended him a little, but that was only a round-about way of defending myself. Then Craig got a little condescending when he found out I was dating Tweek and instead of just holding my ground and being happy, like Craig probably would have, I folded like a silk scarf. I'd be totally whipped if Craig was wearing that silk scarf. I'm the worst...how can I...

Ha! I'll make it up to Tweek! I'll show him he means something to me. Tomorrow we're going to have a wonderful time together. I can beat this...

I don't think I can beat this. Tweek was so happy to see me today. It made me feel confident and to feel like not as much of a shitty bug when I strode into his house gallantly after school that day and said, "We're going to have the best night of our lives." If I really liked Tweek...then why did I feel like it was charity or something to come and see him? We're on his bed and he's lying next to me peacefully now. I'm not sure if he's awake or asleep. One thing I can admit is that I went all out pleasuring him that evening. The thing is...I put so much effort into it as a way to show Craig that I'm worth something. As if me doing it so vigorously would make Craig feel my lips around him wherever he was, and he'd fall in love with me. Something ludicrous like that. Shouldn't I care about what Tweek thinks? I do...but I only want him thinking that I'm devoted to him. Such a horrible front to put up. What can I do? Call the whole thing off? No, no of course not. That won't work. Just the thought of it makes me queasy. I'm a bona fide pussy after all.

As I lay there perspiring Tweek took the initiative to roll over to me and take my shirt off. I really didn't want to be bare-chested.

"Tweek...don't-"

Despite my feeble protests he continued, forcibly yanking my shirt off with such strength one wouldn't have guessed from his slim frame. He snuggled up to me and rested his head on my chest, as if he was wrapping himself in his favorite blanket. It made me really nervous. He started caressing the side of my stomach with his hand. I didn't know what he was trying to pull but I said whatever I could to make it stop. My face was burning and my sweat was turning cold from fear, him being so close to my flab can't end well.

"A-aren't your parents going to be home soon?" I said this loudly, hoping it'd be enough to startle him to stop. But it didn't, he didn't even flinch.

"Not for another hour at least." He said softly, in one gentle breath.

He's still holding onto me. _"J-just stop, Tweek."_ I closed my eyes tightly, hoping if I concentrated hard enough he'd hear my thoughts.

He sighed. "This is unbelievable, Clyde. Here we are. I could never imagine something like this would actually happen. When I started getting a crush on you I...it was kind of horrible. Just...you just can't prepare yourself for those kind of things. I started going crazy; I thought I was a freak. Heh, now even Craig is with another guy."

I tensed at hearing Craig's name. God, why did you have to bring him up?! "Y-yeah." I felt like I should at least respond.

He continued. "You know...I'm still not sure how I got up the nerve to tell you how I felt. My head went dizzy when it was all happening. I-I didn't know if it was a lack of coffee or what, but when you hugged me everything became clear and beautiful."

Holy shit...Tweek is never this composed. What has he been drinking lately? He's still resting on my flabby stomach...I still can't accept it. I was about to gently push him away until he said: "I don't even care if our parents find out about how far our relationship has gone."

My brain replayed what Tweek had just said back to me.

"You're not going to tell them, are you?!" I might have said this too harshly, but my nerves were on edge and some demon-spawned shit-storm will hit if this thing becomes too public.

"Ah! N-n-no not unless you say it's okay!"

He pulled away from me and started twitching again. I took the opportunity to grab my shirt from off the floor on my side of the bed and put it on quickly. After having it off for so long it felt like I was putting my body armor back on. I issued a small sigh of relief and looked back at Tweek. He was looking at me with those wide, innocent eyes of his. He seems more normal to me when he's twitchy like this. My eyes softened and I felt horrible. He didn't deserve that.

"Sorry, Tweek, you just caught me off-guard is all."

He calmed slightly and a warm smile crept on his face. He inched forward a little and held my hand. I can deal with him holding my hand. It was really warm. My thoughts and heartbeat calmed when he stared into my eyes and started speaking so softly again.

"Look, I know it's shocking for me to say something like that but I mean it. Saying something like that before would have been impossible but I've realized something lately that makes all of those other things so unimportant. So I don't even care about them. You know, what other people think, what can happen, because now I'm focused."

What are you talking about, Tweek? "Wait, what? What did you realize?" I don't think I can raise my eyebrow any higher. I'm confused as shit.

"I r-realized...that I love you, Clyde."

My face drained of all blood. I almost passed out. After that information hit my brain, and it was processed, all conscious thought shut down and I was only able to focus on the physical repercussions of what Tweek had just said. I couldn't move anything. I felt so numb. For a small moment, I felt a warm glow inside my chest. The fire was quickly doused when my brain fired back up and all of these random thoughts hit me. The most prevalent one, was "I'm shit." Among others, how selfish I was and how I didn't deserve such a statement. I don't know how long all of this lasted but I was finally able to look at Tweek and see him twitching so violently, yet having such a calm face. I bet he didn't mean that. He couldn't have. Maybe I misheard.

"Ugh-" I coughed, and proceeded to get moisture back into my mouth by closing it and swirling my tongue around. "What?"

"I-I love you."

This is getting worse. He said it the first time with such force, but now he said it apprehensively. I'm fucking this up. I need to get away. I dashed for the door and almost opened it to make my escape. The last rational piece of my mind that I owned told me to say something.

"I-I-I forgot something really important. I need to get home! T-thank you, Tweek! Really! Thanks!" That sounded fucking cheesy. I grabbed my shoes that were next to the door and put them on as I ran to the front door of the house.

"C-Clyde??"

I barely heard him call my name as I bolted out the door to my car. I hope to God he doesn't come outside. Fortunately my car started up immediately and I peeled out of the driveway. The small amount of snow on the street touching the sidewalk made a satisfying crunch as I reversed over it and pulled out onto the open road. I roughly put the car into drive and made my escape. This shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't be saying you love me Tweek, you should break up with me or something. I don't deserve any of it. I...I want Craig. Just realize that and let's forget about everything. I feel so hollow and sick. I'm sure I could have handled that better. But what could I have said? I had enough of a conscience not to say it back. He was probably expecting it though. After all, I was the one who set up this date tonight. I don't know what I thought. Maybe I was hoping such action would galvanize me into liking Tweek more. I also did it to quell my guilt. As usual, it's all about me. In some way it was fine before. But not now...not after this.

When I arrived home I went straight to my computer. I needed something to clear my head.

"Have you finished your homework for tomorrow, Clyde?" My mother shouted at me from the kitchen. I shouted back something like "Muh!" in response. I couldn't create words very well and I didn't want to speak with anyone. I hadn't touched my homework, either.

I sat at my desk with my computer holding my head hard between both of my hands, forcing myself in any way possible to give the monitor one-hundred percent of my attention. I didn't think rational thoughts at the time, and when I saw something funny on screen I didn't react, I just let it bounce off as a way to jar my thoughts from thinking about what had happened earlier.

Then my mother came into my room with the cordless phone. "Tweek's on the line." She said dully. Like a robot I stretched my hand out so she could slap it into my palm. "Get off the computer and get your homework done when you're finished talking to him." She sighed and left the room.

I stared in horror at the phone in my hand. I couldn't bring it up to my ear until I heard Tweek shouting my name from the small device. I brought it up to my ear and whispered. "Hi."

"AGH! J-Jesus man! I-I'm sorry should I not have said that?! What's wrong?!" Tweek hadn't been like this in a while.

Should he not have said that? Probably not. It would make things easier for me, that's for sure, but I couldn't tell him that. "N-no...I...um..." What do I say? Now that he called I no longer felt like I could just run away from it. I had to deal with it...at least to a certain extent. Then I thought of something...it was really petty but it was all I could think of.

"Tweek, why do you love me?" Maybe if he thought about it he'd realize that he doesn't love me. My girly side thought that there was a slight possibility he'd say something wonderful and I would fall in love with him.

"Wh...why do I love you??" See? That tone was putting me at ease. It seemed like he'd say, "Fuck you!" at any moment.

"D-dude...I..." He stopped talking. I could hear him breathing erratically on the other end. _"I don't really love you." _Right? That's what you want to say? Go ahead. It's the truth. It has to be.

"Because...you're...you."

What does that mean?? Shit...apparently he still loves me. Or at least he thinks he does. My hand went limp. I was mentally exhausted.

"Clyde?!" I could hear him yelling over the phone again. I slowly brought it back to my mouth.

"Okay, Tweek. I'll see you tomorrow." I hung up.

-----

Last night really sucked.

I...I can love Tweek eventually...right? I mean, why not? Really...some day I'll say it to him and mean it. But for now, things are going to be tense. When I picked up Tweek so we could go to school I didn't know how right I was about the tensity until then. It was actually amazing...instead of being pissed or annoyed or..._anything _like that he looked ashamed. I had to say something. Whatever I thought of that might make him feel better.

"Um...you don't really love me, right?"

His shoulders slumped down further. I slowed the car down so I could look at him. I was turning into a nervous wreck over all of this.

"I-if you want me to take it back...I will...I just..."

"No, Tweek. If you mean it..." I squeaked out the words "mean it" because I was admitting to myself that he really felt that way, "...then just be honest." I meant what I said as well. Him saying he doesn't love me just because I want him to is plain shitty. I started sweating at this. Somehow...to make things easier...I need to be able to love him back.

"Do...do you not love me?"

Fuck, I think my heart stopped beating. I sped the car up in an attempt to look like I was focused. I'm a dumb-ass...I need to say something. I can't just ignore this. I glanced over at him, expecting him to be twitching or something. He sat there as still as could be, staring at the floor. I could barely make out the movement of his chest as he breathed. This was all horrible for him too, his knuckles were white from clutching his coffee thermos.

"Hey, go ahead and have some of your coffee. It's kind of cold out." Fortunately he did so, he took quite a large gulp actually. It made me feel a little better until I remembered I needed to answer his question. I slowed the car down again. Good thing there's not a lot of traffic around these parts. I looked at him partially while keeping my eye on the road.

"Okay...you're great, Tweek. But I...I'm not really sure I know what 'love' is right now. Please don't take it personally. I haven't had a very romantic life or anything so I think I'm emotionally stunted that way." It was a bit of a soft-ball excuse I know. I just wanted Tweek to feel better if at all possible.

"I see..." He said without emotion.

I cringed. I don't think what I said helped at all. Now that I think about it...Tweek is probably the same way. How could he have had any kind of romantic experience before this? Yet he still had the balls to say he loves me. Ugh, fuck, he's probably seeing right through my bull-shit. Well, not _all _of it, but still. I reasoned I should keep my mouth shut before I made things worse. My stomach and chest were hurting more and more from guilt. The only thing I could say to myself to lessen the pain was to say that someday I'll love Tweek back.

-----

Maybe if I didn't have to go to school things would have been easier. But I had to. I almost thought of transferring, but then it'd be like a 40 minute commute to another high-school. That and it'd be pretty suspicious for me to go do such a thing. See, part of me still thinks things will work out with Tweek, but Craig is still around at school. For a little while I was able to reject the idea of Craig being gay...but then he'd get "friendly" with Kyle around the school. Nothing serious, just how he'd grasp his hand or run his fingers through Kyle's hair. Damn I get hot just looking at it. It's better than watching porn on the computer. You know the craziest damn part? The girls still love him. They think he's just showing a sensitive side or something, and maybe he'll come back someday for more girl action. He never says he won't, but probably just because he loves to flirt. That's another one of those I want it; I don't want it situations. If he did go back to straight, if that even ever happens, then maybe I could just forget about him. It'd make things easier to be sure. Then again, my little fantasies about being with him would lose so much of their flavor if he went back. As much as I try to fight it, I still think seriously about what it'd be like to hook up with him. I honestly wish I wasn't so smitten by him...but I really can't help it. It's something that has developed over such a long period of time. Ever since I started thinking about relations and all that. There was Craig, growing into one of the big hotties of the school. Even though we don't really hang out anymore, I keep thinking about what an ego boost it'd be for me to get him. That would really mean something.

Lunch has become a dismal affair. Tweek still sits across from me as usual but never speaks. If it was Craig, nothing would get said. I have enough courage to start talking with Tweek. I say whatever I can think of to cheer him up. Other than those three words that he said to me that night. I couldn't lie like that. I thought up something ridiculous to hopefully make him crack a smile.

"Did you know my great-grandfather was a weasel miner? Damnedest thing. I'm not sure if it was for their milk or pelts or what but man they'd leave the mine some days with horrible battle scars. Those little shits can be vicious when threatened."

I heard sputtering to my left. "Wha-what the fuck are you talking about?!" I looked over to see Craig laughing and wiping his mouth of the Pepsi he'd almost sprayed everywhere. He had his left arm around Kyle who was sitting next to him. Kyle was giving me a confused, yet slightly amused look. I tried hard not to beam at Craig. It had been so long since I'd made him laugh like that, and it felt great. Then I saw Tweek stand up out of the corner of my eye.

"See ya later." He said weakly, and then walked off with his tray. Damn it, I wish he'd cheer up.

I heard Craig say, "Hold on." to Kyle. He then scooted over next to me. "What's up, man? Trouble in paradise?" Holy hell, he's talking to me like this? About my relationship no less?

"You could say that." Maybe I should have lied, but it was obvious something was up.

He just chuckled. "Kyle and I could use some entertainment. Tell you what, let's go to Char-broiled Charley's around 5:30 after school today and talk about it. Maybe we can help."

The fuck...? Was he serious? "Yeah...okay."

"Great, see you then. Just come over around that time and we'll meet you there."

We? I had some sort of temporary euphoria about the thought of Craig asking me out that I forgot about Kyle. I was to be their "entertainment"? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but no way was I just going to cancel. I was desperate, and as usual lacked guts. Token, still sitting in his spot across from Craig, scoffed lightly. Ever since Craig had started dating Kyle, Token turned into Mr. Silent. I didn't know what he thought of the whole situation but he didn't seem exactly thrilled with it. Craig gave him a bored look and flipped him off. Kyle grinned a little. Wait...this means that Kyle is going to know about me and Tweek...or does he already know? I started feeling more queasy over the whole thing. How are they going to try and help me, what will I say?

-----

I dropped Tweek off at his house as usual. Feeling even more like shit due to the uh...'date' I was going to have that day with Craig. Ugh...and Kyle. Tweek didn't seem ashamed anymore. It was hard to read his expression exactly. But there was definitely some pain there. I still felt like I should say whatever I could to make him feel better. This was my fault after all.

"Tweek...are you okay?" I did what I could to show some concern, like I cared. Well...I did care. But honestly, it was mostly so I could feel better.

As he made an attempt to get out of the car he froze. After a moment he said. "At first I was hoping that you were scared of your true feelings for me and didn't want to be rushed. But now..." He got out and shut the door. He didn't even shut it hard enough for it to catch completely. As hard as it was for me to imagine, things were getting worse. He was becoming more and more miserable, and it was all my fault. Well...not _all_ my fault, right? I mean...I didn't force him into a relationship. Maybe Craig and Kyle can help somehow.

I'd been feeling a little embarrassed lately about my performance in school so I actually took some time before going to the burger joint to get some homework done. Somehow knowing I was going to meet Craig later made it easier for me to work on it, as if Craig was my reward for doing hard work. I felt like winning some points with my mother so before I left to meet Craig and Kyle I shouted, "Hey, I already have my homework done for the day!" It was a lie, there were still more math problems I had to do, but they were the long, annoying ones. My limited determination can only get me so far.

"Good." Is all she said. I don't think there was a lick of pride in her voice. Yeah, I don't think she believed that I should be proud of doing something I'm supposed to be doing anyways. I felt a little good about it. Enough at least to not think about Tweek too much.

Char-broiled Charley's was a decent burger place. You can get some pretty big burgers there if you wanted. I would have gotten a huge meal if I was going to be eating by myself, but I didn't want to pig out in front of Craig so I got a smaller burger and a smaller portion of fries than usual. It was getting close to 6:00 when Craig and Kyle finally showed up. I was ticked but didn't have the nerve to say anything. I was already finished with my food, and if I knew they would be so late I would have gotten something bigger, I was still a little hungry.

They ordered at the register then found me and sat in the bench across from mine. I had chosen a booth because the padding against the back of the benches made it more comfortable to sit there.

"Sorry we're late."

Craig was grinning a little too much for me to believe he was truly sorry. He and Kyle were panting slightly. Were they just...no, of course not. Basketball. Basketball. I wanted to ask why they were so late but I didn't dare. I tried to make small talk first. I didn't know where this conversation was going to go and it made me nervous. "So what did you guys order?"

"What? No, forget about that we're here to help." They were giggling. Why the hell are they giggling? Well, Kyle was a bit more of a giggler than Craig. Craig then coughed exaggeratedly and crossed his arms in front of him and gave me his most serious expression. "Now be honest, the problem is complications in the bedroom, right?"

My face flushed scarlet. They started talking animatedly so that saved me from further embarrassment.

"Oh damn it, Craig! Come on take this seriously!" Kyle jabbed Craig with his elbow in a joking manner, still grinning.

"Fuck you! I am serious." Craig gave him the finger full of flourish.

"Now, seriously. Let's get to the root of this." Kyle turned to look at me with those piercing eyes. They were actually quite dazzling. I was glad he didn't say anything about my blushing. I think my limbs were actually numb from all the blood my head needed to perform that feat. "So, why did you start going out with Tweek in the first place?"

This really was a mistake, but here I was, trapped. "Wh-why do you want to know that?"

"Well, sometimes just knowing why you're together is all you need."

I had to stall more. "Why are you two together?"

"Because we're hot." Craig cut in energetically. Kyle gave a small grin and kept his gaze on me.

"Clyde, this is about you. Come on, why do you like Tweek?" Is Kyle actually taking this seriously? Maybe he thinks I don't know what the real problem is and he's here to uncover it. I _know _what the problem is. With them both sitting there looking at me, I had a horrible thought: if I tell them I don't really like Tweek...maybe they'll have more respect for me. This caused a shooting pain in my chest that ricocheted down to my gut. I still proceeded. Maybe Kyle can help.

"I...here's the thing. Last night Tweek said he loved me-"

"SHIT son! That's crazy!"

"Really?!"

Did Craig call me son? At that point I just wished Kyle was there instead of both of them. It was more embarrassing to have Craig hear all of this and he really didn't seem to be taking it all that seriously. He really was just there for fun. Like a rowdy football fan. He's still hot, though, and this was all his idea. He's taking time out of his day to be with me. Technically.

"Well that's great, isn't it? What's the problem?" Kyle was getting excited at this point. I remembered how I hated him, but it was hard to think about that when he was being so earnest in helping me. Is he doing it because that's how he is? Or just to please Craig or something? I was liking Kyle a little more, and it was pissing me off. Cool-headed Kyle. Here's where I made my move to be more..."cool."

"I don't love him back."

"Awwww...why not?"

"Sometimes it can't be helped." Craig scoffed in a nonchalant manner.

The guy at the counter brought their food, at that point I had completely forgotten that his was a public venue. Thank God I picked the booth furthest from the front. I still blushed thinking that someone had heard all of that. I always have those kind of fears. Fortunately there were only a few people sitting down at the other end of the restaurant...if you can really call it that. Guess this place isn't very packed on week-days. Craig dug into his food but Kyle was still looking at me, his eyes creased with...I didn't really know, pain?

"Why don't you love him back?"

I could tell the truth. But then I'd have to kill myself for being so stupid. I thought of the answer I had given Tweek and rolled with that.

"I-I'm just not feelin' it I guess. Maybe I don't know what love really is. It's a little weird for me to be thinking about that at my age isn't it?"

Kyle sighed. "Age isn't a factor if you really love someone. You'll just know. Tell me, how did you feel after Tweek told you?" Okay Mr. Psychologist. Where are your glasses professor? This was making me even more uncomfortable. I liked Kyle being a little caring at first but now he's like trying to pierce my soul or something.

"I felt guilty." It was an honest answer and if anything didn't make me seem like the douche that I was. I have feelings. Just not for Tweek. Not at the moment...

"Because you didn't feel the same way?"

"Pretty much." I couldn't look into Kyle's eyes anymore. I think he was accusing me. I prayed that we were done.

"Can you think of a good reason why you don't love him?"

"D-don't you want to eat?" I pointed at his burger and fries. It made me a little hungry again to see them sitting there looking so fresh.

"Can you?" I noticed Craig looking at Kyle between bites. He had that sly, mischievous grin of his. He's enjoying Kyle drilling me, isn't he?

"What does that have to do with anything? If I don't love him, I don't love him!" I had to get away from the topic. My desire to say something about what I thought of Craig was starting to bubble up. That would probably shut them up at least. It was becoming a more rational idea, and that scared the shit out of me.

Damn Kyle still kept his tone level. "I'm not going to assume to know all the machinations of love..." Craig gave some sort of airy chuckle at Kyle's word here, "...but I'm sure logic plays into it somewhere and if you really sit down and think about why you should or shouldn't love someone, then it'll work itself out. If you focus you'll probably find you do love Tweek, I mean, if he loves you then there has to be some basis for you in turn to-"

Oh it's that simple, is it?! "I've tried! I really have but for some shitty reason it's not working!" I stood up. I had to get out of there. I used what reasoning I had left to thank them. "Thank you for coming here to talk to me. Really, but I gotta go."

As I walked to the exit, I heard Kyle shout, "Just keep thinking about it! Don't give up!"

He's still trying? As I drove back home I did think. I clung to Kyle's words as a way to squelch the guilt. Keep trying. If I keep trying that means I'm a good person. Tweek loves me. I told myself to just dwell on that. I never thought someone would say that to me. A thought flashed across my mind. Wait a minute...is that why...? I had a girlish dream that the first, and only, person who'd say he loved me was Craig. And now Tweek took that away? So even if Craig someday _did _say it, it wouldn't mean as much? No, it still would, right? Thinking about this actually gave me the gall to be a little angry with Tweek. I mean, it _was_ true that he took the first love confession away from me. Because of this, I was able to keep my head a little cooler and not feel as much guilt. We're sort of even. I didn't say it to him, so he still has that chance.

-----

Tweek looked a bit solemn when I gave him his ride to school. We didn't say anything to each other. I still thought about how his confession was a bad thing. It wasn't until I saw Tweek at lunch that I realized how bone-crushingly stupid I was being. Just his posture...his face. Kyle gave me a stern look as he motioned his head towards Tweek then back to me. I didn't have the nerve to scowl at him for butting in on my life. I knew he was right. I sat across from Tweek.

"Hey."

Tweek took a sip of his coffee in response. At least he's still doing that. He still didn't look angry at all. Just depressed. I almost expected to see a small, black storm-cloud above his head. My guilt returned ten-fold. As much as I'd been a pussy up to that point, it was starting to get crushed under my guilt. I need to end things tonight. Tweek doesn't need me. If I let him go, he can start anew. Besides, him being like this would make it impossible for me to want to be with him. Fuck me! That's awful. It was true, though. But hey, me breaking it off with him means he'll cheer up and someone else can enjoy his company. I put that insensitive remark out of my head. Th-that wasn't me that really thought that. It was the devil.

"I uh...I need to talk to you today after school. Is that alright?"

He glanced up from the table to look at me. His eyes showed slightly more emotion instead of that dead stare. "Really?"

I prayed that what I heard wasn't a spark of hope in his tone. "Y-yeah. I'll call you before I come over."

"Okay."

We sat there in silence for the rest of lunch. Before I left the lunch-room Kyle tapped me on the shoulder. "So what's going on with you two?"

"I'm taking care of things tonight."

"So you realized you love him, right??"

"No. I'm breaking up with him. He doesn't deserve this."

"Ugh, shit dude. I...whatever. Do what you want."

Why does Kyle sound so upset? Wasn't I doing something admirable here? He'd understand more if he knew how much of a pussy I am. This is a big step for me. I felt like I could be just a _little _proud of myself for going through with it. Of course I kept getting those pangs of fear when I thought about doing it. Again, I thought about how I was doing the right thing. I remembered Kyle talking about being logical. This was logical. It really was. It _sucked, _but I needed to stop being selfish. I made a startling discovery when I realized how shitty I was. Just like I felt Craig used me as some sort of place-holder until he started dating girls: I was using Tweek as a place-holder for Craig. As soon as I knew Craig was gay, everything fell apart, quickly. This gave me some sort of courage to break up with Tweek. Hey, this was going to hurt me too, right? I didn't have a fallback, I was going to be single. Forever as far as I knew. This was a horrifying thought, but not as horrible as the thought of staying with Tweek for such selfish reasons. I do have some sort of a conscience; I'm just too weak to answer him right away. I had to do this.

I called Tweek and my heart sank when he sounded a little glad that I'd actually called and said I was coming over. This is going to be worse than tearing off a human-sized Band-Aid, isn't it?

Next thing I knew, I was at Tweek's door, ringing the bell. His mother answered.

"Oh, hello. Clyde. Would you like to come in?" It'd been a while since I'd seen his parents. They still gave me that quirky, untrusting look. It didn't bother me this time, I was going to break it off with their son. They'd probably thank me.

"You boys keep that door open!" They shouted to me as I went up the stairs.

"Don't worry." I mumbled under my breath.

As I entered Tweek's room, I saw he had a little more energy. He should, I saw four empty coffee cups on his dresser. He was sitting on his bed, twitching slightly. Just what I'm used to seeing out of him.

"S-so...what's up?" He looked at me with a straight face. No smile, but his eyes were a little above neutral, if that makes sense. Like they were ready to become happier. This really sucks.

"It's about us..." What else would this be about? God...I'd better get through this, I have to. I was shuffling nervously and kept swallowing in some lame attempt to not have to speak. I could feel my heart pounding in my head. I actually _heard _my heart pounding in my head.

"Uh-huh?" Tweek leaned forward.

Be logical, get to the root of the problem. "The reason I didn't say...it back..." I fumbled over the words here, I didn't want to use the "L" word, it would have just tasted bitter, "...is because...I...I have f-feelings for Craig."

Tweek's eyes went wide with shock...and pain. That fucking pain. I cringed and my heart wanted to impale itself on my ribs at that point.

"S-s-since when?!" Since when? What should I say? I didn't want to be entirely truthful. I didn't want him to know that I hooked up with him even though at the time I had feelings for Craig. It would probably make him feel worse. That and make me feel like more of a scum-bag.

"Ever since he started dating Kyle." There was..._some_ truth to this. I started getting even more interested in him when that happened.

"Huh." He stared at the floor dimly.

"A-and that's why...we shouldn't..." My throat hurts. It's making it hard to say anything.

Tweek understood. He pulled his legs onto the bed and slowly turned around, lying down with his back to me, his knees curled up to his chest. It really was heart-breaking. I didn't know if what I heard was a train passing by or my frantic heart-beat. I couldn't stop a single tear from escaping my eye as I further realized what I was doing. This had to be done, but now...I just wish we had never started anything together. If I wasn't so selfish.

"Tweek?" He shuddered slightly as I said his name. Things were over between us.

"I...j-just don't tell Craig, please." I had to get it out. It was petty and awful, but I had to say it.

"Just go away, Clyde."

Him saying this stung more than I had thought. He was basically giving me permission to leave; for this to be all over. But still...he sounded so harsh. Well...what did I really expect? A hand-shake and a pat on the back? Like he'd be happy that I was setting him free or something? I didn't really understand love, but I did understand more fully now that it was serious business. More tears came out of my eyes; it was hard to even move.

"I-I hope you find someone who's worth your love, Tweek!" I dashed out of the room then. I probably looked hopeless as I dashed to my car, almost the same way as I had when Tweek said he loved me. As much as it surprised me, this felt worse. I started thinking about myself again. How horrible I had been, and how, yes, I didn't deserve Tweek's love. I'm shit.

I didn't eat dinner that night. Fortunately my voice wasn't quivering so I could tell my mom that I had homework to focus on. That was bull-shit of course. Yeah, I had homework, but I wasn't going to do it.

"You really should eat, Clyde."

"Not tonight, Mom."

She sighed. "Should I bring a plate up to you?"

I wasn't hungry in the slightest...a rare thing for me. "No, I'm fine."

I sat on my bed and let the tears fall out. This was a different kind of crying for me. No sobbing, just the pain in my throat and eyes as the tears spilled out. They came out slowly, but were potent. My eyes stung fiercely. My mouth sat there agape as I kept thinking about myself. How worthless I was. Again, I'm shit.

-----

At school during lunch I picked a new seat. It was some pathetic attempt to punish myself. I actually worked up the nerve to try and pick Tweek up that morning, maybe we could work things out so we were friends again or something. Instead, I saw him pulling out of the driveway with his dad driving. I don't know if he saw me there or not, I didn't have the courage to look at him in the passenger seat. He wasn't sitting with Craig, Kyle, or Token at lunch so technically I could sit with them and nothing would be different. This scared me a little bit though...where was Tweek?

Again, Kyle came to me after lunch. "How did it go?"

What a horrible question to ask! "I don't want to talk about it." I didn't give two shits if Kyle was being caring or not...this wasn't helping.

"That's pretty fuckin' harsh, dude." Craig said matter-of-factly, draping an arm around Kyle's shoulder.

He stood there so cooly with a Pepsi in his hand, taking those damn, sexy sips of his out of it. Really, Craig was the only one who could make things better. If he said, _"I think it'd be a good idea if we got together, seeing how you're single now." _Yeah, ridiculous, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it. Something like that would make my year.

Craig continued, "Tweek's not even sitting at the table anymore. Are you going to at least try and make up with him?"

"I doubt he wants to talk to me..." I couldn't look at either of them. I wish they'd just leave me alone if all they were going to do was stand there and judge me like that.

"That's the pussy's way out." Craig motioned at me with his Pepsi can. You're right, I'm a pussy.

"Whatever." I walked away. Yeah, that's great that you two can stand there all happy or whatever and lecture me. I don't know what happened to the self-pride I was hoping to feel for doing the right thing. It was the right thing, but now that it was over I kept thinking about how this was all my fault. I should have told Tweek about Craig from the beginning.

Craig. It was several days later when I received a weird surge of energy. After all the shit that had been happening over the past few days I knew I needed to tell Craig about my feelings. Anything to take my mind off of Tweek and my horrible qualities. It was scary but I felt like I had nothing to live for anyways, and if Craig rejects me out-right? Fine, I can then die a man...or something. If a was going to break up with Tweek over Craig...didn't I at least owe it to Tweek to tell Craig about my feelings? This would also show Craig that I'm not a pussy. I thanked Tweek in my head. After what we'd been through...what I had to tell him...I didn't feel nearly as nervous about telling Craig. We weren't really hanging out anyways. Not much would change if things got awkward between us. Maybe he had respect for me for having the guts to end a relationship, and not in the way he did...by playing for the other team.

So I gave him a call one evening. For the most part I'd just been feeling cold inside. It was a weird feeling to just give him a call. I didn't give a shit about what he thought, at least not about what he thought about me calling him.

"Yeah?" He's always so casual.

"Hey dude. I was wondering if I can come over for a little bit. I want to talk to you about something."

"Oh yeah? About what?" I figured he'd ask this.

"Kind of about Tweek."

"Huh, really? Why would you want to talk to _me_ about him? Why don't I call Kyle and have him come over-"

"No! I need to talk to you about it. Alone." Yeah, Kyle shouldn't be there for this.

He sighed. "Well shit. Just so you know I'm flipping you off. I don't want to be your relationship counselor or anything. That's just fruity."

"I'm not asking you to be. Trust me."

"Fine, come over then."

"Thanks, see you soon."

I handled that pretty well I think. Of course...that was the easy part. I still wasn't good at speeches. But I prepared one the best I could on the way over there. I had rehearsed it several times before. As much courage as I had about this whole thing, it started to falter when I got to his house. I kept reminding myself that ultimately this wasn't going to change anything. Unless Craig somehow likes me back. It's a win-neutral situation. Maybe win-small loss if he's disgusted by my confession. I didn't expect him to answer the door.

"Hey Clyde."

"Uh...h-hey."

Craig gave me a huge shrug as if to say he was being thrown into a position he didn't want to be in. "So...should we go to my room?"

I flushed slightly at the double-meaning of this. So many times Tweek said that to me and it meant something much more exciting.

"Er...yeah."

Craig curled his lip in curious annoyance at me and turned around to head towards his room. It was here that my heart caught in my throat. I was getting damn close to telling him. I reluctantly followed and willed myself not to mess this up...unlike so many things I'd fucked over. This thought didn't help either. We passed Craig's mother.

"Clyde? Hello, how are you?"

"Fine." Yeah, she was pretty surprised to see me there. She should be, but not as surprised as Craig's going to be in a moment. Hopefully pleasantly surprised.

We reached his room and he quickly sat on the bed and looked at me with a bored expression. I closed the door and turned to him. I was hoping he wouldn't focus so much attention on me right away so it'd be easier for me to start speaking. I started pacing a little in what I considered a serious manner. This only made things worse. My heart was pounding furiously again, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

"Clyde?" He said that like I'd fallen asleep or something. I guess I'm wasting his time, aren't I? "Are you sure you don't want to talk to Kyle about this?"

I started breathing more heavily as I prepared myself to say what I came to say.

Craig backed his head away a little. "Dude, are you alright?" I needed that. He actually sounded concerned. I calmed a little and started to speak.

"So...when I said that I needed to talk to you about Tweek...it was sort of true. I felt like I should tell you the reason why I didn't love him back..."

"Really?" Craig leaned forward a little. He sounds a little more interested. Hopefully he'll stay that way.

"...the reason was...well is..." I had to take another deep breath to calm myself. The words were about to come out, and it felt like all my organs were going to float right out of my mouth.

"...that I have a crush on you...and have for a long time. Then you started dating Kyle and I thought of you even though I was dating Tweek." I then looked into Craig's eyes to show him I wasn't a pussy. He didn't have a disgusted look on his face, it was incredibly serious, his mouth was tight and his eyebrows were arched downwards slightly. "I'm sorry, that's just how I feel. I wanted you to know. Th-that's all."

I quickly turned and left his room. When I reached the car I almost started hyperventillating. I concentrated on driving and putting all other thoughts out of my head as best as I could. I still couldn't believe I had actually said all that. I felt a little better on my way back home. I showed I had some balls. The next move is yours, Craig.

-----

**A/N: **So yeah longest chapter I've written so far. In a way I think the more I write, the better. More story to absorb, right? But on the other hand, maybe there's such a thing as too much. If you think I should have split this into two chapters let me know so I can remember to keep my chapters shorter in the future. Hope you enjoyed this one.

**P.S. **I know it's a little weird to have the characters laughing at the "weasel-mining" joke I made, but whatever. I just thought of something crazy to put in there.


	5. Chapter 5

Was I drunk last night? How the hell did I pull that off? Did it really happen?? Last night...the night I _think_ I told Craig about my feelings for him, was a night that I knew what true insanity was all about. It's the weirdest feeling trying to convince yourself that your reality isn't real. I kept doing it though. It started to work. I was getting to the point of believing that what had happened with Craig that night was just a dream, I mean, this is _me _we're talking about. I don't do things like that, ever. My guilt over Tweek was causing me to hallucinate. Still, I also felt that what happened must have been real, because with dreams there's that _feeling_, like you knew your physical body wasn't there, it was all mental. I definitely remember the physical sensations that came with my confession. But if it really did happen, then why didn't he say anything? He's dating Kyle after all. He would've at least mentioned that, wouldn't he? I probably left too fast before he could have said anything. I had to get out of there. I can't go to school tomorrow, I should have confessed right before the weekend, I'm an idiot! Of course, if I waited any longer I wouldn't have done it. I should have had the sense to wait it out before I made any rash decisions. Before, I thought I could handle Craig's rejection, in fact I expected it. But...if I expected it then why be stupid enough to take such a risk for nothing? I felt I owed it to Tweek? He hates me, he deserves to hate me, he doesn't give a shit about what I do. I hope he hates me. I just...still can't get over Craig. All these years...and I finally did something about it, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I've never second guessed myself so severely before. But...this was unprecedented. I really want to take it back. What will Craig do with this information? Broadcast it to the whole school? People will probably believe him, and Tweek could back him up, as would Kyle. Craig can handle coming out because he's Craig. If anything he gives gays a good name. But me... it's just not gonna work. I really will have to kill myself if I show up tomorrow and everyone is pointing and laughing at me. I can't handle being singled out. I really didn't think this through. But it did happen, I know that now. Maybe...can I tell Craig I was joking? Ugh...I just have to wait and see what happens. I've made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. Funny...that's what I hoped to accomplish with Craig by doing what I did. Have him sleep in my bed I mean. What if he was excited that I had a crush on him...what if?

I woke up exhausted. I'd over-thought just about everything the whole night. I felt like a shit, a stupid shit. Again, I really didn't want to go to school. However, I'd made a show of being brave to Craig last night. It would also be brave to show up, very brave. I'm really not brave though...far from it. I shouldn't care how I come off when I'm trying to be something I'm not. But, if I have any chance of cutting this whole thing off at the pass I'd have to go to school. I'll just tell Craig to forget about the whole thing. Maybe I could say I was joking, just a way to get some laughs after what happened with Tweek. That wouldn't work with most people, but maybe it would work with Craig. Please God...

When I got to school I wanted to grab Craig right away and tell him it was a joke, or a mistake. Whatever I had to do to erase it. Then I saw him in the hallway before first period started. When he looked at me...I didn't get the reaction I expected. He didn't turn away, scrunch his nose...nothing like that. His usual natural personality almost changed completely for a moment. He's never really serious, he's just having a good time. But when he looked at me he got...reverent? Sort of solemn, but more intense. He was studying me. He licked his teeth and then walked off. The bell had rung. Great, now I have to sit through this hell until lunch. Worse yet, we sat next to each other in English.

I breathed a sigh of relief when he sat next to me normally, acting like nothing crazy had happened between us. He didn't have his usual glint though. Was he really thinking about us? I saw him looking at me a few times. I could tell he was contemplating...something. I really wish I knew what. Was he thinking about how to out me? If he should even be my friend anymore? I wanted to think he was considering the two of us...but he was with Kyle, and I'm me. At lunch...I'll stop his thinking before something horrible happens. Don't over-react Craig, please.

When lunch finally arrived I could barely walk. I was so messed up. Thinking about what Craig wanted to do and praying that I could convince him to just forget the whole thing. At least now it was finally time. I was holding onto hope so desperately that I was also scared at the prospect of him deciding to hold this whole thing over me for as long as possible. But...he was still my friend, right? Even though I said that he...I don't know. Please let this work.

I grabbed Craig by the arm.

"Hey, I need to talk to you in private."

"Not now man I need to get my lunch."

"Please! This is urgent!"

He flipped me off. "Clyde, they're serving calzones today."

Craig is crazy about his pizza calzones. I was still desperate but I couldn't get on his bad side right now. "Okay, just please promise you'll come talk to me after you get it." He waved me off as I backed away and sat on the nearest bench, watching him like a hawk.

He took a glance back at me and gave me a confused and annoyed look. I quickly glanced down. Fuck, I'm creeping him out, aren't I? I kept my gaze trained next to the line so I could watch him without staring at him. When he left the line with his food he didn't walk in my direction. I sighed angrily and quickly rushed to him. "Okay bring your food with you. Let's go."

"The hell?! What's going on?"

"I told you I need to talk to you for just a minute alone please!" Could he not tell how serious this was? Maybe he's nervous about speaking to me.

"God Clyde you need to calm down."

"It's about last night!" I hissed at him.

I didn't want to mention anything about that until we were alone but Craig was making it difficult. He suddenly became serious again. He tapped his foot a few times before finally saying: "Alright."

Thank God! That wasn't supposed to be so difficult. He walked with me to the nearest hallway away from the lunchroom. I finally had him alone. He stood there staring at me, chewing slowly.

"Well?"

Now that the time had arrived it was hard for me to find the words. I cleared my throat. "Okay, last night I was only joking. I was just being stupid and needed a laugh after the whole Tweek thing."

He narrowed his eyes at me as he studied me carefully. I couldn't stop myself from shaking in fear. This was it, everything could go back to normal if he believed me. Hopefully everything would. He smirked, and gave me his evil grin. It was scary, yet sexy. But mostly scary, my heart jumped into my throat. This can't be good.

"No, you weren't joking last night."

"W-what do you mean?! Of course I was!" He wasn't supposed to say that! Why does he think that?? How can he know?

"Stop lying, asshole. I was there. You were dead serious. It was fascinating to watch actually." Now I was helpless, he held my fate in the palm of his hand. He paused and took a deep breath before he continued. "Look, I think you need to come over to my house tonight."

"Uh...what?"

"If you want to be a pussy and stay home you can. It's up to you." He gave me a small sneer and walked back into the lunch room.

Now, normally I'd be ecstatic at him inviting me over to his house. But this...were he and Kyle going to ambush me? Or make fun of my ridiculous confession? Of course the thought of going over there that night made me break out in a cold sweat. Why the hell was I stupid enough to tell him I like him? This is Craig we're talking about. He'd hand you over to the FBI for a cold beer. He might be a prick but he's...just so hot, so suave. Why did I confess to him?! Now I'm going to have to go over there and endure God knows what. What if he asks my parents over?! He wouldn't be that diabolical...would he? Before I go over I'd better make sure I know what they have planned.

Right before I left for Craig's I did just that. I went up to my mother and asked, "Hey, you and Dad don't have anything planned for tonight, right? You're not going anywhere?"

"Not unless Tom Jones is performing in town tonight. Why do you ask?"

"Just curious." Me asking may seem really paranoid, but I didn't want to take any chances.

She looked at me, clearly puzzled. "Okay. Go do your homework or something."

"Yeah I uh...am studying with Craig a little tonight."

"With Craig? He's not much of a studier."

"Sure he is, gotta go or I'll be late!" I rushed out, worried that my mom was going to force me to stay home. As much as I didn't want to go, I knew I'd better so I wouldn't look like a coward. I arrived at his house and knocked on his door. I don't know if my heart is pounding harder right now or if it was pounding harder last night. I don't know how much more of this kind of shit I can handle putting myself through. This can't be healthy.

His sister answered the door. "Huh, you again."

"Craig." Was the only word I could squeak out. I don't think I'm even welcome here. Yet here I was standing at their door like a dumb-ass.

Craig walked up. "So you came over. I'm impressed. This way." He motioned with his finger towards his room.

"Where's the red-head you usually hang out with?"

"Shut up, Nicki." He spat at her. That was the first time I heard her name.

He closed the door when we both were in the room. He turned around and looked at me with sort of a half-smile.

I cracked. "P-p-please don't tell anyone about me Craig! It was a mistake! A stupid mistake! Please forget about it!"

"Ugh. Dude stop. You're embarrassing yourself."

I shook my head, fighting back tears of shame. "I know." I whispered. I really was being a dumb-ass. I stared at the floor so I wouldn't have to look at him.

"I'm going to give you one more chance. I asked you over here to see what you've got."

I glanced up at him. "'What I've got?'"

Craig shrugged, and said "Yeah." as he nodded.

"What are you...?"

Craig sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "Jesus Christ Clyde. You're making this pretty annoying. Kiss me."

I've never hurt my neck from jerking it too quickly until that night. I jerked my head up to stare at Craig. "WHAT?!"

His face became bored. "Do it now or leave."

My heart began racing. _Really_ racing. "You...you're serious?"

"I won't be serious much longer."

I looked around quickly, wondering if I'd fallen into a dream somewhere. I stumbled and leaned on the chair he sat on at his desk. I couldn't look at him, my face was burning red.

"Five...four...three..."

Fuck it! I took three steps forward and threw my lips on his. Actually kissing Craig made me incredibly nervous, I couldn't enjoy it and winced, screwing up the moment by hoping I wouldn't screw up the moment. God this sucks.

"What the fuck is wrong? You can do better. Tweek told me you're a great kisser."

"Tweek?! When the hell did he tell you that?!"

"I squeezed it out of him after I found out about you two. Now fucking show me what you've got."

This really is happening...I can do this. I closed my eyes and pictured Tweek. I was good at kissing Tweek because he didn't make me nervous. Again I went in, and passionately kissed Craig. I had expected a kiss with Craig to be amazing. But really...it wasn't any different from kissing Tweek. I gently grasped Craig's head in an attempt to increase the fire of the kiss. Once I did that he pushed me away.

"Ahem. Okay. Could use some improvement but not a bad start. We'll continue this tomorrow. You are dismissed."

I was still in a daze. I nodded dumbly and left. It was during the ride home where I regained my ability to think. So...why did he push me away like that? Was it getting too good or something? Was I moving too fast? It was just a kiss after all...

Holy shit. He said we'd continue tomorrow. I started sweating again. This is unfathomable. He's Craig...Craig! I-I gave him a great kiss right? Not the best, he said it needed improvement. I need to focus. If I bring it home tomorrow maybe we can actually start something!

Tweek...again he comes up. But I could have also kissed him at the moment. Craig probably gave me a chance because of what Tweek said about me. In my cowardice I haven't really sought him out to formally apologize or anything. I really need to.

-----

The next evening proved to me that yesterday's events weren't a fantasy. I stood there in his room again.

"Okay. Let me take care of the physical stuff, you just worry about kissing. Alright?"

"Um...sure. Whatever you want." I was eager to please Craig. At this point his wish was my command. We kissed again. The strange thing was nothing physical happened, just the kiss. I guess he really does want to take this slow. I'll go as slow as he needs. As I stood there with a dreamy look on my face I noticed an orange-red shirt on his bed. That reminded me of Kyle.

"Whoa wait! What about Kyle? Did you break up with him."

"Let me worry about Kyle." The way he said that gave me butterflies.

"H-hey...are we uh...are we going out now?" I needed to know what this was exactly.

"Dude don't talk like that. That's fucking queer. Okay we're done for tonight. See you tomorrow."

"O-okay." I left a little disappointed. Why is Craig acting like that? If this really was a dream come true he should be more...no! No I'm not going to mess this up by being needy! Craig acts the way he wants. He makes his own rules. Shouldn't I be happy enough that he's spending time with me?

-----

The next day we took a huge leap forward. After more kissing, no tongue though, he said that's just gross, he started taking off his pants.

"I'm getting horny as shit. Time for your last test." I stood there, heart thumping greatly, as he took his underwear off, sat on the bed, and said: "Okay, go."

I wasn't going to pretend to be innocent and not know what he meant. As much as I was willing I was confused. I thought he wanted to take things slow...obviously this isn't slow. What he had was...beautiful. I'm not going to go into detail. I licked my lips and trembled my way over to him. This...so _now_ I know what I have to do to make us last. I guess for Craig the sex is all that's important. That's fine. I just need to concentrate. I calmed myself with a few breaths. I looked at him briefly and saw he had a bored look. I'll wipe that look of your face, Craig. I've done this many times before, I shouldn't be nervous.

I started. I gave it my all. When I could tell things were about to be finished I started using my hands.

"No! Mouth the whole time, Clyde!" He gasped.

I paused briefly. I've never done it like that before, but I have to please him. I closed my eyes tightly and finished the way I started. I tried to not focus on ingesting what he was giving me when he climaxed. It wasn't pleasant. Fortunately I don't gag easily. I looked up at him, trying to hide a pained look.

"Water, please." I said quietly.

"Not yet." He commanded as he stretched out on his bed. "That was good Clyde." He took a few deep breaths. "Come back tomorrow, and don't you dare drink anything until you get home, you need to learn to enjoy the taste."

How?? I nodded obediently and left. I kept my mouth slightly open so I wouldn't taste anything until I got home, where I promptly drunk an entire can of Mountain Dew to scour the taste from my mouth. Craig really has his own rules for these sort of things. I just wish I knew what the point of it all was.

-----

It was the next day when I finally ran into Tweek. Until he laid his eyes on me he seemed to be doing okay. Now he's practically glaring at me vehemently. It was kind of scary, Tweek could be one of those guys who, when he snaps, doesn't stop going berserk until he kills you. I know this is a morbid thought but you never know.

"Hey man." I said as casually as possible.

"Clyde." He made a move to walk past me.

"Hey, listen. I just need you to know that I was and am serious about Craig. In fact, we're kind of together now." He stopped and curled his hands into fists. I took a step back, fully expecting him to whirl around and punch me. Once I said it I realized it didn't sound as good as I thought. It was supposed to let him know our break-up wasn't in vain, and that he shouldn't take it personally. But how couldn't he? I tend to make things worse even when I'm trying to make them better.

"Good for you." He growled at me before he stormed off.

-----

"Did you tell Tweek about us?!" He obviously wasn't asking this in a way that told me he didn't know the answer. Why is he upset?

"Well, yeah. I broke up with him because of you and wanted him to know that I did something about my feelings."

He looked up at the ceiling in an exasperated manner as he flipped me off. "Damn it Clyde. You'll have to be punished for this."

Something like that should sound sexy but he said it so angrily. "Wh-why? Everyone knew about you and Kyle when you started-"

"Clyde! We're going to keep us a secret. It's..." He trailed off, staring past me vacantly as if what he was trying to say was floating in space.

"It's what?" I said weakly.

He glowered at me. "It's more exciting that way, and don't you demand any fucking answers from me! Now blow me right now!"

This is starting to remind me of those psycho porn clips I've seen. I gulped and did as he said. Again, I used my mouth through the whole process. When it was done he sighed and became more relaxed. "Now, your punishment is to wait until I'm ready again."

Holy shit...he can't get enough. Maybe I'm better than I thought. We grabbed a small bite to eat while he waited. His father came in briefly and gave us a quiet scoff before he left. I guess his parents know. That thought made me nervous. I hope they don't talk to my parents. When we went back into his room I had to work twice as long before he came. It was really hard and I had to gasp for air because I got my breathing messed up. You never see that in porno films. I still wasn't used to the taste of his...stuff.

"To finish your punishment you have to wait until Monday before you can come over again."

I left feeling a strange sensation in my stomach. He's punishing me? Is this normal at all? I guess for Craig it is. It seems like he's had experience or something. Whatever he has to do to have fun...

-----

When Monday finally arrived I felt weird going back to Craig's. I was nervous...I didn't know what to expect from him. His dad grunted at me when he answered the door to let me in. He stepped aside and I meekly went to Craig's room. I knocked on the door.

"What?"

I opened the door slightly. "Can I come in?"

"Oh it's you." He was sitting on his bed reading a sports magazine. "Close the door."

After doing so I stood there, waiting for him to demand a blow job or something.

"Uh...lie down here." He pointed to the spot at the foot of his bed.

I felt worried, wondering what he had planned. If he was doing all of this to give me thrills it wasn't working. Once I laid down on his bed he looked at me and took a long breath. Then he put his hand on my crotch and started rubbing. I jerked violently.

"Calm down." He said sternly. This was the first time he had touched me and it startled me. I closed my eyes and started to enjoy it. He was a little rough but it still felt great. It had been a while since someone else had touched that area.

"Okay." I said after I orgasmed. He promptly went back to his magazine. I felt relaxed. Maybe things were looking up with Craig. "Hey, do you want to watch some TV or play something?"

"Just come back tomorrow." He said without looking at me.

I frown struck my face for a moment. It was involuntary really. Didn't he want to spend time with me at all? Maybe not. Remember, it's all about the sex with him.

-----

It was over the next two weeks where it felt like I was clocking in for work when I went to his house. He never seemed glad to see me. He'd tell me what he wanted and then it was done. I kept telling myself he was just trying a new relationship tactic and he'd grow out of it. What we had wasn't satisfying at all. It can't be satisfying for him, can it? Everything is just weird. I don't know what to think about myself, or Craig. He may be hot but...what am I to him? A guinea pig? A...a slave? Thinking that always made me tremble.

It seemed this was true when he'd get aggressive with the oral sex. He'd grab my hair and guide my head with his hand while I pleasured him. I didn't know why he did this, wasn't I doing a good enough job? It just didn't feel right, I felt filthy and useless when he did it, and one time I coudn't stop a tear from falling down my face from the pain and embarrassment.

"The fuck, dude? You're crying?! Good God, sometimes I don't know why I bother. Come back when you grow some balls." He waved me away.

I broke down when I got to my car. Craig is such a different person now. Is this what it takes to be cool?? He's supposed to be my friend but he treats me like shit.

I still went back though. Craig is all I have. I just have to raise myself to his standards. Perhaps he's just trying to teach me.

When I got there the next day I hoped he'd say things were over between us and yet simultaneously I was terrified of rejection. I put on a solid face and looked at him. It seemed he didn't remember the day before...or didn't care. He bossed me around like he usually did.

I would be a little excited when he would give me a hand job, even though I still had my clothes on, but he didn't seem to enjoy it in the slightest. If I meant _anything _to him he should be glad to do so...shouldn't he? The only excitement I'd get when I got Craig off would be the small groans he'd give when I did it. They were rare, but I really liked them. It was always short lived though. When it was over I felt cold again because it seemed like he treated what we did was wrong. Or it wasn't special. With Tweek...there was that warmth between us. We both were happy with what we got.

I got a shock when my mother asked to talk with me one day.

"Clyde, is everything alright with you?" She actually looked concerned.

"Yeah, what do you mean?"

"What do I mean?! You've been acting like a robot lately. I'm worried about your school work, you're still doing it, aren't you?"

"Yes." I replied blandly. I hate homework.

She sighed. "You can talk to me if there's something bothering you. You know that, right?"

"Okay." Her faced was creased with worry as she walked away. My heart went out to her a little. I guess I didn't realize to what extent my "relationship" with Craig was having an effect on me. My eyes burned with tears. What is he trying to turn me into?

-----

Several days later one of our sessions turned more passionate. We started with kissing and Craig had his eyes closed. I smelt beer on his breath. Whatever that meant at the time I didn't care. As we kissed he actually put his hands on me. This made me come alive with fire as he stroked slightly. This had been what I was waiting for, actual intimacy. He put his hands underneath my shirt on my bare skin. I could cry with joy, his caress was so wonderful. Then his fingers squeezed my stomach for a moment and he jerked away, looking at me with his eyes wide.

"Ugh. Listen I have something I forgot I need to take care of." He quickly left the room.

The bitter cold feeling inside me returned. His face...he looked so disgusted. I went light headed. We're...we're _never_ going to be anything. I felt like crying. I felt like throwing up. I felt like dying. I'm worthless. Disgusting. Nothing.

I hate Craig! Why does he have to be so good at making me feel this way?! Why did he start all of this? _WHY?!?! _I knelt down next to his bed and hit it in anger. The tears burned down my face.

I shook my head from side to side in a soothing motion, trying to relax, trying to clear my thoughts. It worked until I smelt Craig's scent on his bed. A choked sob escaped my throat. He's going to own me for as long as he wants, then dump me like the trash I am. If only I was worth something...I'd show up Craig. We could be...if only...

I need...Tweek...


	6. Chapter 6

I was so weak and exhausted before from everything with Craig. Then I thought about Tweek. I thought more about Tweek. I thought about my time with Tweek. All the pain started to go away. His wide eyes...his innocence...how he cared for me. He really did care for me. He said he loved me. He loved me for _me_. He told me this, and I was selfish and stupid enough to throw it in his face. Thinking about this made me hurt more. I put that aside, and thought about only the good times. I needed soothing wherever I could get it. The time when we hooked up. The time we went down on each other. How we'd cuddle afterwards. I used to think doing that was too sappy. Now it's the only thing I really want. Doing that means so much more than just sex. Craig has cheapened it for me. With me and Tweek that's not all we had. I could tell he wanted to be around me. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I didn't appreciate Tweek. I was being so narrow-minded. The pain is coming back. What I had with Tweek was something to hold onto, and I threw it away. God, I'm crying again. But...can't we be together again? My fatigue over-took me.

That comforting thought helped me relax enough to sleep. I might have been a bit delusional while I slept, but the first ray of hope I felt in a long time came when I pictured us being together again. I...I need Tweek.

"What the hell happened, Clyde?!" Craig's voice jerked me out of sleep. I rubbed my eyes as I looked at the carpet. I had fallen asleep on the floor next to his bed. I turned around to look at him. "Why are you still here? I left almost an hour ago." He stared at me in what could almost be considered a state of shock.

"I...I had to sleep." I responded honestly. My thoughts returned to me as my brain started to power on again. I need to tell Craig that I don't want to do this anymore. Normally I'd be worried to do it but something tells me he won't care one bit.

"Sleep?! We didn't even do anything."

"Yeah...I know." I had to stop myself from scowling at him. "Listen. I guess I should tell you thanks for the time we've spent together but I'm not going to. I'm just going to say that I'm done with it all."

"Done?" Craig raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Whatever...whatever _we _are. I don't want it anymore. Even if we had anything to begin with...it's just not worth hanging on to."

Craig gave me his evil grin again. My breath caught in my throat. Is he going to threaten to out me? "And...you want to get back with Tweek...right?"

My eyes widened in surprise. "How did you know that?!"

Craig closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. "Holy shit he was right." He flopped down onto his bed. "Finally!"

I was obviously confused. "'Finally???' Who was right? What the fuck is going on?!" Okay so I didn't expect him to be upset or anything, but he's not supposed to be relieved!

"Okay look: I just got back from Kyle's. After we started getting heavy I kind of thought you were him. I was a little drunk after all. Then I finally remembered I was with you and...I just needed to be with him. That's why I ran off."

"Kyle?! I thought you broke up with him!" He...he ran off to Kyle's?

"What?! Shit no, why would I do that?" My chest started to sting. Our whole "relationship" was a sham. Come to think of it...whenever I saw Kyle at school he seemed as normal as always. I thought he just recovered quickly, or was keeping his pain hidden.

"So...does he know about us?"

"'Know about us?!' Who's idea do you think it was for us to hook up in the first place?"

"_What?!"_ Is he joking?!?

"Well, after you confessed to me I called Kyle up and told him about it. He thought it would be a great opportunity to show you that what you had with Tweek was special, so he told me to help you realize that."

"What the fuck are you talking about?! Kyle told you to do all of that shit to me?"

"It was open to interpretation. Like I said, he told me to help you realize you wanted to be with Tweek. I took care of the rest. Honestly I'm kind of surprised it took as long as it did. I got a little lost in the role and it was exhausting for me. I thought his idea was crazy but he bet me on it. I really didn't think I would lose. Fuck, those fluffy pink handcuffs are going to suck ass."

A bet?? That's what I was, a bet?! If I knew Craig wouldn't kick my ass I would have punched him. Hard. "Craig...I...I really hope you're joking. All of what we did was hell, and for you to stand there and tell me it was a bet is just...cruel..." My eyes started stinging again.

Craig scoffed at me. "Dear God will you listen to yourself? Why don't you pull your head out of your ass and realize what has happened? You want to go back with Tweek don't you? There's no way that we could have worked and if I just turned you down flat then you probably would still have feelings for me. This way anything you felt should be scoured away, right? It's not like this was a vacation for me, either. So don't get all whiny and shit and act like you're the victim!"

I thought the idea of Craig getting angry like this was absurd. I didn't have the guts to say anything though. He doesn't get angry that often and he could beat the shit out of me if he desired.

"It's just...that was so extreme..."

"It worked didn't it?!" He spat at me.

I wish I wasn't such a wuss. This should be the time where I stand my ground but I can't. I relented to Craig and left. I need to talk to Kyle about this. If he acts like an asshole maybe I can punch him in the face. Maybe...

His mother answered the door and told me he was up in his room studying. I went up and found him at his computer. I felt sick to my stomach and had to fight the rage building inside of me.

"So your little plan worked. I want to get back together with Tweek again." I said this flatly. I was pissed at being Kyle's little puppet.

He turned from the screen and stared at me with his dazzling green eyes. His mouth opened up into an excited smile. "Oh my God! I knew it!!" He dashed over to me and gave me a hug. This was unexpected. It had been so long since I'd felt any contact like that that I had to fight the urge to melt completely. It was a great hug.

"Hey wait a minute! Now look...I don't know what your deal is but what you had Craig do was...was just horrible. Why did you think you had the right to have him toy with me like that?"

Kyle froze and stared at me with concern all over his face. "What do you mean? What happened?"

As I explained the events over the past few weeks his face turned into one of morbid shock. It was genuine enough that I almost forgave him completely for everything. He said he didn't expect anything like _that _to happen. He also informed me that the bet wasn't his idea, but that he needed something to get Craig to go along. He just really wanted me and Tweek together. I found that strange. I don't know what kind of brownie points he's trying to earn but frankly I didn't give a shit anymore. Talking to Kyle about it got a lot of the pain and pressure off of my chest.

I now had to focus on the probably impossible task of getting together again with Tweek. Well...it couldn't be _that _hard right? He really liked me. He still does...I hope.

-----

"Hey Tweek! Wait up a second!" I caught up to him in the halls during school the next day.

He glanced at me with those dark, soulless eyes. Just having me around turned his eyes into that. It was unnerving.

"I need to talk to you after school today, okay?"

"Why, so you can make up more lies about you and Craig being together?!"

"Lies?"

"Yeah, he told me that you two have never been together at all." He said this with a hint of satisfaction. Damn you Craig...are you _that_ ashamed of me??

"I don't give a shit about Craig anymore. This is important. Please, can we talk after school?"

His expression became slightly surprised when I said I didn't care about Craig. I hoped he would be excited by that, but his face switched back quickly. He took a sip of his coffee and tapped the side of the thermos while he thought. "I'll give you one minute after school."

"Awesome! See you then." I was excited. I know he'll want to get together again. I just need to apologize for being a selfish asshole.

The time finally came. I had thought up so many speeches that I had thought would win him over instantly. Of course when the time came all of the great stuff I thought didn't come out. He was staring at me so fiercely and trying to be sappy like that wasn't something I was used to. Still, I told him what was on my mind. I told him the truth.

"Tweek: I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I was just so narrow-minded and absorbed about what I thought I wanted. I was being selfish and stupid. I really loved our time together and I want it back. So please, will you accept my apology and..." I took his hand in mine and stared at him with what I imagined to be non-goofy puppy-dog eyes, "...will you accept me again?"

I didn't like the look I was receiving after I told him that. It was a "Where do you get off?" look, and I shortly found out my diagnosis was dead-accurate.

"Excuse me?! What, Craig rejects you so you want to come waltzing back to me? Is that it? Just to be your play-thing until someone else catches your fancy? Fuck off! Errgghh..." He groaned slightly and took another drink of his coffee.

You know...I really did deserve that but...it's just not true!

"No of course not, Tweek! I'm not going to like anyone else! You have to believe me!"

"I used to believe you..." He shook his head angrily. He must be reminiscing about us...but only painful memories...

I seized his hands and grasped them affectionately. "Tweek! Don't you remember how great our time was together? Don't you want that again??" Please...you have to remember what made you fall in love with me. Remember!

"Don't try to tell me what made me happy...you don't give a shit." Before this was actually sort of true. It hit close to home and made me embarrassed about how I acted. I lashed out slightly.

"Look, if our time meant anything to you then you'll try to remember-"

_"'**IF** IT MEANT ANYTHING TO ME?!'_ It meant everything to me!" This made me so happy...until he continued talking, "But after what happened we're nothing! Do you understand?! _NOTHING!"_ He pushed me aside and ran off.

We...we can't be nothing. I know what I did was awful...but it didn't turn us into nothing...

-----

As I sat at home I thought about Tweek some more. I obviously didn't use the right approach. I needed to prove to him somehow that I'm not going to abandon him again. I was a lot more nervous planning on talking to him now. What if he refuses to get back together with me? I'll have nothing...worse yet is that I don't think I'll find anyone ever again. If what I had with Tweek wasn't so special then maybe I wouldn't mind as much. The more I thought of us the more I realized how great he was to me. I was more myself with him than I had ever been. He was so accepting. He didn't even mind seeing me naked. He took my shirt off that one time and held me so close. Whereas Craig...well getting too close to me turned him sober and made him run off to his real lover. The thought of Tweek's warm embrace made me shiver. Please God...help Tweek to love me again.

As Tweek's father opened the door I got a silent "Oh no" response. I don't know if it's because they were glad he hadn't been with another guy in a while or if Tweek had been so down lately and they were worried that I was going to screw him up again. It made me even more nervous to realize that they knew about me.

"C-can I talk to Tweek, please??"

He sighed. "I suppose so. I have to ask: what is going on with you two?"

I started trembling. "Th-that's kind of a private thing right now."

"I don't like secrets being kept from me." He put his hands on his hips.

"A-after I talk to Tweek I'll be able to tell you!" I was an inch away from panicking. The pressure was really on.

He stood there silent for a moment. "Very well. He's in his room." He walked off.

I breathed a sigh of relief and took my trembling legs to his room. The door was open so I quietly pushed it aside. I saw Tweek sitting on his bed, twitching the way he usually would. It calmed me greatly to see him acting normal again.

"Tweek?" He yelped in his usual fashion. It was such a cute sound. Then he realized it was me and his eyes became hard again.

"Clyde?! What do you want?" His accusing tone didn't help things. I launched into what I wanted to say, stammering pathetically.

"I-I just wanted you to know that I understand your fear of me being an asshole again and w-wanting to be with someone else. B-but that's not going to happen!"

"Easier said than done. You're just desperate right now. Please leave." He folded his arms and glared at me. He's not supposed to be rejecting this so quickly.

"Tweek I liked Craig for a lot longer than I said I did. For years actually, and because of that it just made me hopelessly obsessed over him, but now that I don't like him anymore he won't-"

"_STOP FUCKING WITH ME CLYDE!! _All you've done is lie to me and reject me and now that I've finally gotten over it you feel it necessary to bring it all up again?! Good for you that you liked Craig for so long that you deemed it appropriate to get rid of me! I've finally accepted that. So please just _leave_ so I can get on with my life!" He threw his book at the wall and turned away from me to sit on the edge of his bed furthest from the door. His outburst shook me up greatly.

"Tweek??" I heard his father shout from downstairs.

He really does hate me...again tears started trailing down my face. The pain I caused was still there and anything I tried wouldn't make it go away. He doesn't even like me anymore. My picture of me and Tweek...that ray of hope...were being burned mercilessly. The sound of his father coming upstairs caused me to indeed panic, so I ran out. I didn't want to confront him; his son was so upset because of me.

"What happened?!" He shouted at me as I ran past.

"N-nothing!" I sputtered.

-----

I was pretty damn despondent at this point. Again I was in my room, sulking over the whole thing. Having Tweek explode like that was...so surreal. I did that. My selfish nature fucked up the only good thing I ever had. I tried to put myself in good spirits by saying I'll just win Tweek over gradually. I just need to be patient and hang out with him during school. I can't mention us, I'll just show him that I care about him. Not easy to do when a person wants nothing to do with you. Kyle and Craig witnessed one of the more violent interactions between us. Tweek shoved me away pretty forcefully even when all I wanted to do was hang out with him during lunch. Kyle actually looked crushed. He looked the same way I imagined I did when it happened. Craig just seemed annoyed. Probably annoyed that all the time he spent with me was turning out to be in vain. That asshole. I even told Tweek that. I told him I _hate_ Craig. No good.

I went to Kyle for help. I thought if anyone could help me it was him.

"I can't try to help you with this. If you aren't able to get him back on your own then you two probably don't belong together."

This pissed me off. "What do you mean?! Weren't you the one who schemed with Craig to get us back together?? You must of thought that we were destined for each other or...or something!"

"It sure did seem like it..." he said dreamily.

Now I felt even more helpless. My life was becoming a shit-hole more and more. Every time I thought I had something it turned sour on me and crushed my hopes.

The real kicker was how I was falling more and more for Tweek _because _of his reactions. I affected him so strongly...it was really moving. It hurt to have him despise me so thoroughly...but it meant he really loved me. I kept putting myself in his shoes. Trying to think of myself as Craig and him as me. How it'd feel to be lead on in such a way and then be crushed so ruthlessly. What Craig did to me was horrible...but if I'm being honest what I did to Tweek was probably worse. My heart would go out to him for this. It would make me feel miserable. I so wish I could take it back. Losing all feelings for Craig has taken the cloud of confusion that I had away. Now it's so easy to see how great Tweek was. How great he is. He seems so strong. He didn't cave in to being with me again because he was scared of being lonely or anything. This caused the pain to hit me once more. Can...can we not be together again?

My mother again took notice of me. She kept pushing for some sort of explanation. Apparently she sometimes feels the urge to do some parenting. I liked it more when she ignored me.

"It's just stupid girl problems." She became interested in this.

"Oh really? Who is she??"

"I uh...don't know her very well. She's in my science class. She's going out with someone and it sucks is all. Don't worry I'll get over it." I managed a weak smile.

"Come on, be a man and show her what you're made of!" Such stupid advice.

"Maybe I'll get the chance someday." I walked to my room.

_"I'll get over it."_ I don't think that's true. It just makes things more agonizing when you had something and then you lost it.

-----

I was at the end of my rope. Tweek wasn't coming back to me. I could only sit and reminisce about how stupid I was. It was fucking depressing. So much so that even Tweek approached me.

"Clyde...you don't want to be with me. You just haven't realized it yet. Trust me, you'll thank me one day for doing the right thing and not getting back together with you."

"You're wrong..." You're just so damn wrong Tweek.

Tweek shook his head and left. I guess the scars from our relationship have turned him into more of a man. I don't know what it has turned me into, besides a self-loathing pile of misery.

God I hate school. I don't want to deal with any of this shit. Trying to sit and read about World War II is driving me crazy. I kept hoping that I'd feel Tweek give me another gentle kiss on the back of my neck like he used to. Usually that would lead to something more and afterwards I was relaxed enough to get something done. School just seems so pointless now. I wonder if there's any class I'm not failing. Once third quarter report cards come out I'll probably be in deep shit with my parents. I don't really care though. In fact...everything seems pointless. Trying to accomplish anything...trying to be happy. Tweek is going to move on without me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I had my chance...

I slammed my head down on my desk and began sobbing. I really thought Tweek and I could be happy together again. I can't be angry at Tweek...at all. Knowing this makes the misery stronger. I suppose I got what I deserved. No matter how many times I tell myself this it doesn't help. I just want to be happy. Tweek and I would be if only I wasn't such a screw-up.

In my sorrow I briefly reflected on why things seemed so bad. I had been the one to initiate the break-up with Tweek and now all I wanted was to be with him. There's something odd about this...isn't there? There should be...but I want his love again so much. He made me feel like I was worth something. I didn't do the same for him. I want to be able to. He deserves it and nothing would make me happier than to be the one who accomplishes that.

There's...there's something else I need to do. It's the last chance I have.

As I called Tweek I did whatever I could to not get my hopes up. Doing that previously had only made things worse. If anything, I just want him to know what he means to me. I was stupid enough to disguise my voice slightly when his father answered.

"Hello. Is Tweek available?" I tried to sound professional. Anything to throw his dad off the trail. It probably wasn't necessary.

"Hello?" Tweek's voice hit me like a base-ball. My chest started to hurt. My voice caught in my throat.

"Tweek?" My voice came out really squeaky.

"Uh...w-who is this?"

I cleared my throat. "It...it's me, Tweek."

"I'm going to hang up now-"

"Tweek, please!!" I shot this out desperately. "I know you don't want to be with me. I just need you to come over for a few minutes. After that you don't..." it tore me up inside to say this, but I knew I had to say it, I took a deep breath so I could continue, "...you don't have to worry about me annoying you ever again." My heart was pounding.

He sighed. "Are you sure about this? I really think you need to drop it altogether. Whatever you're planning isn't going to help I'm sure."

"Whether it does or not isn't the point. There's just...something I need you to know."

"Ugh. Fine, then just tell me now."

I closed my eyes, focusing my energy into the next few words. "No...I need to tell you in person."

"Clyde, I really don't want to."

"All I'm asking for is a few moments of your time." My voice was quivering. His desire to not even see me was borderline devastating.

"Errgghh...alright. Fine." He hung up.

Whatever hope I had for us was pretty much gone. I had thought that maybe he'd be willing to at least see me after we'd seen so little of each other. He just needs to know how great he is.

He arrived a little while later. I could tell by the look on his face that he was regretting his decision to come over here. "So let's hurry this up. I'll be in your room."

I shook my head. "No." I smiled at him weakly, knowing that this could very well be the last "intimate" time we spent together. I motioned him to stand near the entrance to the living room, where my parents were at the time. I walked towards them and stopped a few feet behind the couch they were sitting on.

"Mom, Dad? I need to tell you something."

"What? What is it?" They turned around to look at me.

"Clyde...what are you-?" Tweek cut in.

"Hold on, Tweek." I was so emotionally drained, but I put my soul into what I was going to say next. "You need to know something. I'm gay." I turned around and looked Tweek directly in the eyes and told him what I needed him to know. "I love you, Tweek."

I think I heard my parents gasp. I don't really know. Those words were so pure that I actually felt a little warm inside. Tweek's face was blank. I couldn't look at him anymore so I bowed my head. "You can leave now."

It felt like my whole body was swirling. I heard my heart thumping in my ears. I waited to hear the door slamming, signifying the departure of Tweek from my life forever. I felt gentle hands lift my face. I was staring into Tweek's eyes. They...they were happy.

"You...you really meant that." He said to me quietly.

"Of course." I whispered back.

He kissed me. My whole body was alive with fire. Life-giving fire. I didn't know what a real kiss actually was before this point. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, afraid that if I didn't he'd disappear. As great as it was we eventually had to stop, I was getting light-headed due to the lack of oxygen. The tingling sensation continued on after our lips parted. Looking at Tweek's bright face caused me to laugh with joy.

Never had I laughed in such a way. Tweek hadn't given me hope...he had given me life.

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**A/N: **So I hope the end of the chapter doesn't seem like an unreasonable quick-fix. I just believe that Clyde's reluctance to let his parents know about their relationship beforehand helped Tweek to know how serious he was. That and how broken Clyde was and how he was willing to just say that and then let Tweek leave...I don't know. Anyways, hope this chapter was a breath of fresh air after the last one. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. :P


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